The worst feeling in the entire world is being called the wrong pronouns even after coming out to someone, telling them you're trans and that you're not a girl. Being called female repeatedly even after explicitly telling at least the team leader that you're not female is frustrating and, frankly, annoying.
What's the point of going through the hell of coming out if they're not even going to respect you telling them that to begin with?
Monday, August 29, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Transgender Frustration 101
I feel like lately I've been defined by being transgender. I just want to be known as a man, not as a transgender man. I just want to go through life with the gender I am and not have to worry about people being like 'oh, you're trans? that's fascinating, tell me more!' I feel like lately it's defined all of my relationships and how I've been feeling lately, like everything I do has to be measured up to something a trans guy would do. I don't want to be measured up to be a trans guy.
I just want to be a guy, be perceived as a guy and be called a guy. I don't want all this extra shit about being transgender. It's not really something I identify with, so to speak. It's not a part of my community, it's not a part of me. It's something I use to explain a biological condition that I have, but it's not a personality trait like it seems to be for some guys. I don't identify as trans, at all.
My therapist right now said something very true. He said he believes that I'm just the kind of person who wants to get on with life and be content with who and what I am. I don't want to settle for 'trans man,' I want to be a man. If that includes all the surgeries, including bottom surgery? So be it, I'll figure something out for the money. I will do whatever I can to be who I know I am under this disgusting female form of mine. I know it'll never be one hundred percent what I want because surgeries and hormones can only go so far, but I've come to terms with that fact even though I hate the idea that there's nothing I can do. I hate feeling trapped and stuck like this.
Honestly, the body I'm in disgusts me. It makes me want to crawl out of my skin more often than not. Looking down and seeing my frame makes me want to scream, and every single day I live like this, the self-hatred gets deeper. That sounds dramatic, I know, but I honestly do hate myself, how I am right now, my body. I feel so trapped and suffocated, thrown to the wolves and told that I have to be called something I'm not until I can afford to change it.
I. want. out. of. this. body.
I just want to be a guy, be perceived as a guy and be called a guy. I don't want all this extra shit about being transgender. It's not really something I identify with, so to speak. It's not a part of my community, it's not a part of me. It's something I use to explain a biological condition that I have, but it's not a personality trait like it seems to be for some guys. I don't identify as trans, at all.
My therapist right now said something very true. He said he believes that I'm just the kind of person who wants to get on with life and be content with who and what I am. I don't want to settle for 'trans man,' I want to be a man. If that includes all the surgeries, including bottom surgery? So be it, I'll figure something out for the money. I will do whatever I can to be who I know I am under this disgusting female form of mine. I know it'll never be one hundred percent what I want because surgeries and hormones can only go so far, but I've come to terms with that fact even though I hate the idea that there's nothing I can do. I hate feeling trapped and stuck like this.
Honestly, the body I'm in disgusts me. It makes me want to crawl out of my skin more often than not. Looking down and seeing my frame makes me want to scream, and every single day I live like this, the self-hatred gets deeper. That sounds dramatic, I know, but I honestly do hate myself, how I am right now, my body. I feel so trapped and suffocated, thrown to the wolves and told that I have to be called something I'm not until I can afford to change it.
I. want. out. of. this. body.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Coming Out 101
So, I had an interview for a personal assistant today, and I was nervous as hell. I always get nervous when it comes to interviews, because either I have to let them call me a girl or disclose my trans status.
Before today, I'd never disclosed during a job interview, but I didn't like being called 'the girl,' so I took a chance and told them that I was a transgendered man. The guy who was doing the interviews seemed completely fascinated by it. He'd asked before what made me unique and I hadn't mentioned it until after, and he'd asked me why I hadn't suggested me being trans was unique. I told him that it was because I didn't think of myself as 'trans,' I thought of myself as a male despite the fact that I look like a girl. He definitely was surprised, and apologized for getting it wrong.
Let me tell you, it was incredibly freeing to just tell them straight-out like that, just telling people I'm talking to that 'hey, I'm trans.' I'd always been so afraid of the reaction, but since he responded so well, I don't think I'm so afraid anymore.
It's absolutely a weight off my shoulders. I just can't wait until I don't have to and people figure out my gender on their own. This is a good step.
I just hope I get the job.
Before today, I'd never disclosed during a job interview, but I didn't like being called 'the girl,' so I took a chance and told them that I was a transgendered man. The guy who was doing the interviews seemed completely fascinated by it. He'd asked before what made me unique and I hadn't mentioned it until after, and he'd asked me why I hadn't suggested me being trans was unique. I told him that it was because I didn't think of myself as 'trans,' I thought of myself as a male despite the fact that I look like a girl. He definitely was surprised, and apologized for getting it wrong.
Let me tell you, it was incredibly freeing to just tell them straight-out like that, just telling people I'm talking to that 'hey, I'm trans.' I'd always been so afraid of the reaction, but since he responded so well, I don't think I'm so afraid anymore.
It's absolutely a weight off my shoulders. I just can't wait until I don't have to and people figure out my gender on their own. This is a good step.
I just hope I get the job.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Discretion 101
My girlfriend is an up-and-coming actress as well as lead singer of an up-and-coming band, her name withheld because she asked me to, and so because of that on top of my trans status, we kind of have to keep our relationship on the down-low. Most of the time, it doesn't really bother me because it's something that she needs and wants me to do, but sometimes it just hits me how much it sucks having to pretend that your girlfriend isn't, in fact, the woman you're madly in love with.
I understand completely, but sometimes it just sucks. It's so hard for me to hide what I feel for her, especially around people I feel comfortable with. I'm almost afraid to become friends with her bandmates and her acting buddies because once I get around them with her, I know myself and I know that I won't be able to restrain myself from being naturally affectionate with her. It's like second nature to me, it has been since I first met her even before we started dating.
Sometimes, these thoughts and the fact that at this point there's nothing I can do to change it - they're enough to make me want to lock myself in a room and never come out because no one seems to see what we see and that's so taxing on the both of us. Other times, it just makes me want to crawl out of my skin or bathe in bleach because I'm so disgusted with myself and the body I was born into. It sucks that there isn't an easier way to explain it that wouldn't meet a wall of confusion and prejudice. I hate that we have to act, have to hide something that I know means so much to the both of us.
Things like this make me wish I had some sort of magic wand or something. It'd make life so much easier, because she said it perfectly: this situation sucks.
I understand completely, but sometimes it just sucks. It's so hard for me to hide what I feel for her, especially around people I feel comfortable with. I'm almost afraid to become friends with her bandmates and her acting buddies because once I get around them with her, I know myself and I know that I won't be able to restrain myself from being naturally affectionate with her. It's like second nature to me, it has been since I first met her even before we started dating.
Sometimes, these thoughts and the fact that at this point there's nothing I can do to change it - they're enough to make me want to lock myself in a room and never come out because no one seems to see what we see and that's so taxing on the both of us. Other times, it just makes me want to crawl out of my skin or bathe in bleach because I'm so disgusted with myself and the body I was born into. It sucks that there isn't an easier way to explain it that wouldn't meet a wall of confusion and prejudice. I hate that we have to act, have to hide something that I know means so much to the both of us.
Things like this make me wish I had some sort of magic wand or something. It'd make life so much easier, because she said it perfectly: this situation sucks.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Therapy 401: second session
Yesterday, I had my second session with Dr. Peveller. Technically it was kind of our third, but the second one was about fifteen minutes, mostly us talking about money and how in four sessions I should be able to get my letter.
This session was mostly - still - focused on my childhood and when I first started noticing the difference in my gender identity. When I was a kid, I never thought about gender in black and white, I just knew I liked playing with boys' toys and wanted to wear my brother's clothes even though they were too small for me. I did boy things and girl things, mostly because my brother did 'girly' things like ballet with me and I thought that was okay because we were on an even keel.
He also asked how my parents took my gender identity, and how they reacted to me presenting differently. Thankfully, they're very supportive and they never made much of a fuss about me wearing boys' clothing, until they started suspecting my identity, I think. It never really mattered to me, honestly. He seems to put so much stock in childhood gender identity, but I don't really remember it being such a big freaking deal to me. I was who I was and it didn't matter what gender I identified with.
He also made me realize why I get so angry and snap at people - my dysphoria and the anxiety that comes with it suffocates me to the point where I have to let those negative feelings out and unfortunately I let it out the wrong way and end up taking it out on people. I want to try and adjust that so I and the people I love don't have to deal with that anymore. I hate it and I don't want it in my life anymore. Hopefully being in transition - further along than I am now - will help me.
After that, he started asking me about my relationships, like my marriage and why I got married, what the dynamics of our relationship was, etc. I think he realized he'd touched a nerve, because not long after he started asking questions, he said 'Never mind, you are taking the correct route now so things can only improve now.' I thought that was a little strange, but it was okay with me because I was tired of talking about him. I don't like thinking about how volatile of an environment I was in and how much I battled with him for dominance because I had my gender issues underlying everything I said and did.
He asked about my current relationship, and that was a much easier subject to talk about. I basically gushed about my partner and how amazing and supportive she is. Then he asked me about my career, which was kind of a dumb question considering I told him the night before that I had just lost my job. I figured he didn't remember that, though, so I just kind of went with it.
I think he's very lax and unprofessional, but if he helps me get to my ultimate goal of getting my letter for hormones, I am completely fine with that. Sometimes I feel like he can be condescending and like he's only in it for the money instead of for the helping aspect, but I kind of just deal with it. I want this to work out and I want to get to the point where I can get the hormones. He's said I exhibit a lot of signs of transgenderism - he says transsexualism, but I don't like terming it like that because it feels borderline offensive - and that's probably why he agreed to give me the letter so soon.
I just want to take the next step and can't wait. I don't feel as comfortable as I should with this guy but I'm willing to bite the bullet and give him a few more chances to change my mind.
This session was mostly - still - focused on my childhood and when I first started noticing the difference in my gender identity. When I was a kid, I never thought about gender in black and white, I just knew I liked playing with boys' toys and wanted to wear my brother's clothes even though they were too small for me. I did boy things and girl things, mostly because my brother did 'girly' things like ballet with me and I thought that was okay because we were on an even keel.
He also asked how my parents took my gender identity, and how they reacted to me presenting differently. Thankfully, they're very supportive and they never made much of a fuss about me wearing boys' clothing, until they started suspecting my identity, I think. It never really mattered to me, honestly. He seems to put so much stock in childhood gender identity, but I don't really remember it being such a big freaking deal to me. I was who I was and it didn't matter what gender I identified with.
He also made me realize why I get so angry and snap at people - my dysphoria and the anxiety that comes with it suffocates me to the point where I have to let those negative feelings out and unfortunately I let it out the wrong way and end up taking it out on people. I want to try and adjust that so I and the people I love don't have to deal with that anymore. I hate it and I don't want it in my life anymore. Hopefully being in transition - further along than I am now - will help me.
After that, he started asking me about my relationships, like my marriage and why I got married, what the dynamics of our relationship was, etc. I think he realized he'd touched a nerve, because not long after he started asking questions, he said 'Never mind, you are taking the correct route now so things can only improve now.' I thought that was a little strange, but it was okay with me because I was tired of talking about him. I don't like thinking about how volatile of an environment I was in and how much I battled with him for dominance because I had my gender issues underlying everything I said and did.
He asked about my current relationship, and that was a much easier subject to talk about. I basically gushed about my partner and how amazing and supportive she is. Then he asked me about my career, which was kind of a dumb question considering I told him the night before that I had just lost my job. I figured he didn't remember that, though, so I just kind of went with it.
I think he's very lax and unprofessional, but if he helps me get to my ultimate goal of getting my letter for hormones, I am completely fine with that. Sometimes I feel like he can be condescending and like he's only in it for the money instead of for the helping aspect, but I kind of just deal with it. I want this to work out and I want to get to the point where I can get the hormones. He's said I exhibit a lot of signs of transgenderism - he says transsexualism, but I don't like terming it like that because it feels borderline offensive - and that's probably why he agreed to give me the letter so soon.
I just want to take the next step and can't wait. I don't feel as comfortable as I should with this guy but I'm willing to bite the bullet and give him a few more chances to change my mind.
Mom 201
So I haven't been able to talk to my mom much lately, and we haven't really talked in-depth since I came out to her - mostly messages over Facebook and emails and such - but something small but so meaningful happened and I feel like I'm going to cry from happiness. In fact, I kind of might have already..
This is why:
It's amazing how in only a few short weeks my mother has gotten to such a point of acceptance to where she could list that on Facebook, even for a short period of time. I don't know if she's going to keep that up or change it like she did last time with my other Facebook account before I came out to her, but honestly I hope she keeps it that way because that makes me so happy that I can't even put it into words.
I am so grateful. I have the best mom, and best support system, in the world.
This is why:
It's amazing how in only a few short weeks my mother has gotten to such a point of acceptance to where she could list that on Facebook, even for a short period of time. I don't know if she's going to keep that up or change it like she did last time with my other Facebook account before I came out to her, but honestly I hope she keeps it that way because that makes me so happy that I can't even put it into words.
I am so grateful. I have the best mom, and best support system, in the world.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Therapy 301
As I've said, I lost my job a few weeks ago and I was stressing over the fact that I still had therapy to do to get my hormones letter. I have to ask my partner to lend me the $200 for the final two sessions and the letter, and I hate asking to borrow money from people - it's both a pride thing because I should be able to cover my own ass, and a thing with fear, because I hate being indebted to people, even people I love and trust with my life because I'm afraid of it going badly. That's caused a bit of friction lately that I hope we can put behind us, but that's beside the point.
I talked to Dr. Peveller last night, and I'm going to be having my second session with him tonight. He had to reschedule last night's appointment for today, and as he said he'd make it up to me, I presented the idea of having only two more sessions before he completes my letter and sends it to me.
The awesome thing is that he agreed. I just hope he holds up his end of the bargain and actually gives me the letter. I'm not worried that it's not legit because I've done research on this guy and as lax as he seems, his letters do seem legitimate and I'll be able to get hormones as soon as I find an endocrinologist who will prescribe it to me. I have a doctor in mind and I'll be calling him when I get my letter.
I did get another job, though. I'm working as a sales rep for a wealth system, so hopefully I'll be making bank and I won't have to worry about paying people back for things. I want to pay back everything I can and finally get this transition completely underway. I hope this job can do that for me; it promises a six-figure income once I'm all trained up and everything, so it should be good. I'm just anxious about it; I'm anxious about being misgendered over the phone because while my voice can be androgynous sometimes, my voice goes up when I'm working customer service. I mean, in the end it doesn't matter, like what are the chances that I'll ever talk to these people again? But I just hate the idea that people are judging me for it.
Bottom line, though? I hate money, and I hate how scared I am about people's perception of me. I need to see someone about that, and I plan to as soon as possible. I just hope the people I love can continue to be patient with me while I work through everything. They've been amazing and flawless so far, and I am so lucky.
I talked to Dr. Peveller last night, and I'm going to be having my second session with him tonight. He had to reschedule last night's appointment for today, and as he said he'd make it up to me, I presented the idea of having only two more sessions before he completes my letter and sends it to me.
The awesome thing is that he agreed. I just hope he holds up his end of the bargain and actually gives me the letter. I'm not worried that it's not legit because I've done research on this guy and as lax as he seems, his letters do seem legitimate and I'll be able to get hormones as soon as I find an endocrinologist who will prescribe it to me. I have a doctor in mind and I'll be calling him when I get my letter.
I did get another job, though. I'm working as a sales rep for a wealth system, so hopefully I'll be making bank and I won't have to worry about paying people back for things. I want to pay back everything I can and finally get this transition completely underway. I hope this job can do that for me; it promises a six-figure income once I'm all trained up and everything, so it should be good. I'm just anxious about it; I'm anxious about being misgendered over the phone because while my voice can be androgynous sometimes, my voice goes up when I'm working customer service. I mean, in the end it doesn't matter, like what are the chances that I'll ever talk to these people again? But I just hate the idea that people are judging me for it.
Bottom line, though? I hate money, and I hate how scared I am about people's perception of me. I need to see someone about that, and I plan to as soon as possible. I just hope the people I love can continue to be patient with me while I work through everything. They've been amazing and flawless so far, and I am so lucky.
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