I feel like lately I've been defined by being transgender. I just want to be known as a man, not as a transgender man. I just want to go through life with the gender I am and not have to worry about people being like 'oh, you're trans? that's fascinating, tell me more!' I feel like lately it's defined all of my relationships and how I've been feeling lately, like everything I do has to be measured up to something a trans guy would do. I don't want to be measured up to be a trans guy.
I just want to be a guy, be perceived as a guy and be called a guy. I don't want all this extra shit about being transgender. It's not really something I identify with, so to speak. It's not a part of my community, it's not a part of me. It's something I use to explain a biological condition that I have, but it's not a personality trait like it seems to be for some guys. I don't identify as trans, at all.
My therapist right now said something very true. He said he believes that I'm just the kind of person who wants to get on with life and be content with who and what I am. I don't want to settle for 'trans man,' I want to be a man. If that includes all the surgeries, including bottom surgery? So be it, I'll figure something out for the money. I will do whatever I can to be who I know I am under this disgusting female form of mine. I know it'll never be one hundred percent what I want because surgeries and hormones can only go so far, but I've come to terms with that fact even though I hate the idea that there's nothing I can do. I hate feeling trapped and stuck like this.
Honestly, the body I'm in disgusts me. It makes me want to crawl out of my skin more often than not. Looking down and seeing my frame makes me want to scream, and every single day I live like this, the self-hatred gets deeper. That sounds dramatic, I know, but I honestly do hate myself, how I am right now, my body. I feel so trapped and suffocated, thrown to the wolves and told that I have to be called something I'm not until I can afford to change it.
I. want. out. of. this. body.
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