Yesterday, I had my second session with Dr. Peveller. Technically it was kind of our third, but the second one was about fifteen minutes, mostly us talking about money and how in four sessions I should be able to get my letter.
This session was mostly - still - focused on my childhood and when I first started noticing the difference in my gender identity. When I was a kid, I never thought about gender in black and white, I just knew I liked playing with boys' toys and wanted to wear my brother's clothes even though they were too small for me. I did boy things and girl things, mostly because my brother did 'girly' things like ballet with me and I thought that was okay because we were on an even keel.
He also asked how my parents took my gender identity, and how they reacted to me presenting differently. Thankfully, they're very supportive and they never made much of a fuss about me wearing boys' clothing, until they started suspecting my identity, I think. It never really mattered to me, honestly. He seems to put so much stock in childhood gender identity, but I don't really remember it being such a big freaking deal to me. I was who I was and it didn't matter what gender I identified with.
He also made me realize why I get so angry and snap at people - my dysphoria and the anxiety that comes with it suffocates me to the point where I have to let those negative feelings out and unfortunately I let it out the wrong way and end up taking it out on people. I want to try and adjust that so I and the people I love don't have to deal with that anymore. I hate it and I don't want it in my life anymore. Hopefully being in transition - further along than I am now - will help me.
After that, he started asking me about my relationships, like my marriage and why I got married, what the dynamics of our relationship was, etc. I think he realized he'd touched a nerve, because not long after he started asking questions, he said 'Never mind, you are taking the correct route now so things can only improve now.' I thought that was a little strange, but it was okay with me because I was tired of talking about him. I don't like thinking about how volatile of an environment I was in and how much I battled with him for dominance because I had my gender issues underlying everything I said and did.
He asked about my current relationship, and that was a much easier subject to talk about. I basically gushed about my partner and how amazing and supportive she is. Then he asked me about my career, which was kind of a dumb question considering I told him the night before that I had just lost my job. I figured he didn't remember that, though, so I just kind of went with it.
I think he's very lax and unprofessional, but if he helps me get to my ultimate goal of getting my letter for hormones, I am completely fine with that. Sometimes I feel like he can be condescending and like he's only in it for the money instead of for the helping aspect, but I kind of just deal with it. I want this to work out and I want to get to the point where I can get the hormones. He's said I exhibit a lot of signs of transgenderism - he says transsexualism, but I don't like terming it like that because it feels borderline offensive - and that's probably why he agreed to give me the letter so soon.
I just want to take the next step and can't wait. I don't feel as comfortable as I should with this guy but I'm willing to bite the bullet and give him a few more chances to change my mind.
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