I had a consultation for a pre-top-surgery breast reduction today. Needless to say it didn't go very well. In fact, it triggered my dysphoria so badly I was shaking and all I wanted to do was crawl into a little hole and not come out until people could gender me the right way and stop calling me a 'she.' We had to wait around for an hour which left me sitting there without my binder on for about that long, completely exposed and uncomfortable. I hated every second of it and I couldn't have done it without my girlfriend and best friend there.
It's no secret that I hate having my chest touched because it just triggers my dysphoria more than anything else, but the surgeon literally had to measure the size of my chest for observation, and it was the most uncomfortable thing I think I've ever been through. It felt defeating in a way, like going to someone for a breast reduction kind of violated everything I've been saying because only girls go through those. I wish I could just get top surgery but I need a letter from a psychologist that I've been working with for a year before I could get that kind of surgery.
I hate that these people treat me like a girl just because of the procedure I'm going through. Luckily they said I could go down to an A-cup which should be enough for the moment. I hate that it's so expensive though, and I feel guilty that I can't even pay for it at this point because I don't have any money coming in, and I have to ask people to cosign for me because my credit's so bad. I'm just feeling a lot of heaviness and guilt right now, and I wish I knew exactly why. Too many things, I guess.
All I wanted to do was crawl out of my skin. In fact, I still kind of do.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Mom 101
So, I've already blogged about my mom and the reaction she gave when I first came out to her. I was told to give her some time, and it turns out that's exactly what she needed: time to process what I was telling her.
I about cried when I got the last text she sent me at about eight o'clock this morning: 'I am sorry that you are hurting. I hope that you will find happiness and peace. It does not matter what sex you are or changes you choose to make. I will always love you. I am having surgery today. My thoughts will always be with you. I will always be here for you if you need me. Love, Mom.'
I'm not really sure what I did to have such amazing, supportive and loving people in my life, but I did something right along the line. I am so fucking grateful for the people I surround myself with. It doesn't even matter anymore that I just lost my job or that my mind is a little bit on the crazy side at this point.
I can do this.
I about cried when I got the last text she sent me at about eight o'clock this morning: 'I am sorry that you are hurting. I hope that you will find happiness and peace. It does not matter what sex you are or changes you choose to make. I will always love you. I am having surgery today. My thoughts will always be with you. I will always be here for you if you need me. Love, Mom.'
I'm not really sure what I did to have such amazing, supportive and loving people in my life, but I did something right along the line. I am so fucking grateful for the people I surround myself with. It doesn't even matter anymore that I just lost my job or that my mind is a little bit on the crazy side at this point.
I can do this.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Therapy 201: the first session
So I had my first session with Dr. Graham Peveller today. It was... interesting. He called me at seven (I'd scheduled it at 10) and asked if I was online, and I explained to him that it was 7 my time and he'd assumed I was on the east coast. So that was a strange start, and we rescheduled it to 9pm my time. He admitted that it was strange to talk on the phone and that he had been apprehensive to call me, but he was glad he did, which was a good sign, I suppose. It was very odd talking to him, mostly because he was very hard to understand.
It started out a bit strange, talking about him traveling to England and rescheduling next week's to Tuesday night, which was fine aside from the fact that I don't know my work schedule. They always wait until literally the last minute - like seven in the morning the day of working - to tell me, so hopefully I'm not closing on August 2nd. I just want to do all eight sessions in two weeks so I can just get this letter and kickstart this.
Anyway, after some miscommunication and a ton of typos, we finally started talking about gender-related stuff. It seemed like he was trying to figure out if I'd known from childhood whether or not I was transgendered or not. For a while there it almost sounded offensive the way he was talking, but that was mostly because he kept using the term transsexual, which these days is borderline offensive.
He asked about my dysphoria in a roundabout way, I guess. He was trying to figure out if I was uncomfortable with not only my sexual orientation, but my body, which of course is my biggest problem. I feel completely trapped in my own body and it's driving me crazy. I tried to convey that to him, and I think I got it across to him because he agreed that it was indeed a marker of transgenderism, or in his words, transsexuality.
He was asking if as a child I gravitated more toward male things than female, which is the case. I mean, yes, I wore dresses and did ballet - mostly because my brother was in it with me - but I also loved getting said dresses dirty and I loved baseball and playing outside. I was on a boys team for baseball for about four years and once I had to switch to softball, I quit after one season because I hated it, and never went back. I think once I started genderizing myself as female, I lost a lot of passion for sports and outdoor activities. I kind of want to start getting back into it.
I'm kind of hoping maybe he can help me through some of my other mental issues aside from dysphoria and gender issues, because God knows I've got enough crazy issues that I need to talk to someone professional about. I almost feel like I should find a different therapist tailored more for anxiety and distorted thought processes, but that's a different story for a completely different time.
I found it a little bit hard to understand what he was saying sometimes and a joke went right over my head, but overall it was fine. I don't feel completely comfortable with him yet, but it's a first session, and he suggested that I check out a book called The Gendered Self. I plan on buying it as soon as possible and writing my own response to it at some point, like a book review or something.
I'm feeling confident, because he said that I could get my letter in eight weeks, starting the process in the sixth week, which is better than his original response of twelve weeks and even longer for the surgery letter. I'm also going to check out Dr. Gary Alter for top surgery - he's in Los Angeles and as far as I can tell, he's gotten some great feedback. I just need to find an endocrinologist who will fill my T prescription when I get my letter.
I think this is a good start.
It started out a bit strange, talking about him traveling to England and rescheduling next week's to Tuesday night, which was fine aside from the fact that I don't know my work schedule. They always wait until literally the last minute - like seven in the morning the day of working - to tell me, so hopefully I'm not closing on August 2nd. I just want to do all eight sessions in two weeks so I can just get this letter and kickstart this.
Anyway, after some miscommunication and a ton of typos, we finally started talking about gender-related stuff. It seemed like he was trying to figure out if I'd known from childhood whether or not I was transgendered or not. For a while there it almost sounded offensive the way he was talking, but that was mostly because he kept using the term transsexual, which these days is borderline offensive.
He asked about my dysphoria in a roundabout way, I guess. He was trying to figure out if I was uncomfortable with not only my sexual orientation, but my body, which of course is my biggest problem. I feel completely trapped in my own body and it's driving me crazy. I tried to convey that to him, and I think I got it across to him because he agreed that it was indeed a marker of transgenderism, or in his words, transsexuality.
He was asking if as a child I gravitated more toward male things than female, which is the case. I mean, yes, I wore dresses and did ballet - mostly because my brother was in it with me - but I also loved getting said dresses dirty and I loved baseball and playing outside. I was on a boys team for baseball for about four years and once I had to switch to softball, I quit after one season because I hated it, and never went back. I think once I started genderizing myself as female, I lost a lot of passion for sports and outdoor activities. I kind of want to start getting back into it.
I'm kind of hoping maybe he can help me through some of my other mental issues aside from dysphoria and gender issues, because God knows I've got enough crazy issues that I need to talk to someone professional about. I almost feel like I should find a different therapist tailored more for anxiety and distorted thought processes, but that's a different story for a completely different time.
I found it a little bit hard to understand what he was saying sometimes and a joke went right over my head, but overall it was fine. I don't feel completely comfortable with him yet, but it's a first session, and he suggested that I check out a book called The Gendered Self. I plan on buying it as soon as possible and writing my own response to it at some point, like a book review or something.
I'm feeling confident, because he said that I could get my letter in eight weeks, starting the process in the sixth week, which is better than his original response of twelve weeks and even longer for the surgery letter. I'm also going to check out Dr. Gary Alter for top surgery - he's in Los Angeles and as far as I can tell, he's gotten some great feedback. I just need to find an endocrinologist who will fill my T prescription when I get my letter.
I think this is a good start.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Therapy 101: before it starts
So I'm doing an online therapy thing with Dr. Graham Peveller. It's relatively cheap, $45 a session, and hopefully I can get him to give me a letter for T within a month, because something needs to change, on the outside and maybe on the inside too.
I'm nervous and excited to be talking to someone other than my partner and this blog about all this. There's been so much going on in my head, so much self-consciousness, so much overthinking, that talking this out with an impartial party would be a good idea. Maybe he can help me figure some things out while trying to diagnose me with something I know I already have.
I'm pretty sure I should be terrified, I've always been scared of therapists because of what they might say about me, or if they're just gonna call me crazy and kick me out as some completely lost cause. But with this, I have to know, I have to go through this so I can begin this transition. I tried, but there's really no way around it. This needs to happen now and I'm confident enough to let it.
Mostly I'm just excited to get this started, though. It's the first step after coming out, and I'm taking it with confidence.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Dysphoria 301: in others
My own dysphoria is pretty bad, and honestly I don't wish it upon anyone. Unfortunately, my gender and my physical sex are so different that it's bound to happen eventually, and probably frequently. More frequently than people admit, I'm going to guess. The thought kind of scares me. I worry about how many people think like that, are at odds with the person they know and the person they see. I wonder how many people try to reconcile the two; I know there are at least two, the two most important people in my life, and there are probably more. Most of the people that know explicitly have never seen me on a daily basis so it's easier for them to think of me as male.
I always go through every movement, every word, every thought that I let come across, wondering if it's too feminine, if it's not like what I'm trying to present, even though I know I don't act like a girl except on very rare occasions and that when that happens, it kills my dysphoria and I stop almost immediately. I have to wonder what other kinds of mannerisms that I do that I don't notice that people take as female-oriented. There's gotta be a reason people take me as a female at face-value. I hope it's just the strict gender roles that have been ingrained, the fact that they'd rather be wrong about gendering me as female than as male, but I wonder if there are things about me that trigger the word 'female' in others' minds. I hate overthinking everything, but it's a fault I have that I'm trying to work on.
It's especially hard for my girlfriend because she's the one that's closest to me, and she's the one that has the most concrete evidence that the two don't mesh. I don't want to act like a girl and throw her off, because I'm not and she knows I'm not. Unfortunately, it's causing some slight issues because she's not a lesbian, she's not even bisexual so it's been hard for her not to think of me the way she normally does when she has that dysphoria triggered inside her head, for whatever reason.
It sucks because I'm the kind of person who wants to spend every waking moment with her without the pressure and lingering thought of my sex versus my gender. I hate that the idea plagues my every relationship, like I feel like in the back of everyone's minds they're trying to reconcile it and I hate the idea that they might not be able to. I don't want that to be an aspect of my relationship, and I can't wait until it's not anymore. I feel awful about it, that it is such a pervasive attribute of our lives, and I wish I could change it, but I can't. Not yet.
This is one of those moments where I wish I could be absolutely everything for her, everything she wants and needs but that's just not possible. I'm terrified that if this gets much worse, if I don't start this transition - the physical one, where I stop looking and feeling physically like a girl - I'm going to lose her. I know she loves me for who I am, but I also know this is hard on her, to be looked at like something she's not or to feel like she's not touching the person she's in love with, instead some stranger who has his eyes and his face and his voice but not his body. It has to be an unsettling, awful sort of feeling. I know it's hard, and I wish I could take it away from her.
I would give anything to change this, to be who I am inside my head instead of what and who people perceive - I don't know the person others see, because 'she's been dead to me for a long time and I don't even remember what 'she's like at all. I haven't been 'her' for so long that I can't even reconcile what other people see me as, strangers who perceive me as a girl. That's not who I am and not who I've been for years. I know myself, but I don't know who they see.
This is the time where I wish magic was real the most, because I could just cast a couple spells and be completely transitioned without spending a ton of money and a ton of time waiting for people to decide what I already know in my heart. I wish this was faster and I wish I had more money so I could get this done quicker, so she stops feeling even a fraction of what I feel every single day. I don't wish that on anyone, let alone the person I love most in the entire world.
There I go with my 'I wish' thing again. Maybe I think if I wish hard enough, it'll happen. It's happened before. Just gotta have faith and work through this. I know who and what I am, and I'm not gonna let anyone make me doubt it.
I always go through every movement, every word, every thought that I let come across, wondering if it's too feminine, if it's not like what I'm trying to present, even though I know I don't act like a girl except on very rare occasions and that when that happens, it kills my dysphoria and I stop almost immediately. I have to wonder what other kinds of mannerisms that I do that I don't notice that people take as female-oriented. There's gotta be a reason people take me as a female at face-value. I hope it's just the strict gender roles that have been ingrained, the fact that they'd rather be wrong about gendering me as female than as male, but I wonder if there are things about me that trigger the word 'female' in others' minds. I hate overthinking everything, but it's a fault I have that I'm trying to work on.
It's especially hard for my girlfriend because she's the one that's closest to me, and she's the one that has the most concrete evidence that the two don't mesh. I don't want to act like a girl and throw her off, because I'm not and she knows I'm not. Unfortunately, it's causing some slight issues because she's not a lesbian, she's not even bisexual so it's been hard for her not to think of me the way she normally does when she has that dysphoria triggered inside her head, for whatever reason.
It sucks because I'm the kind of person who wants to spend every waking moment with her without the pressure and lingering thought of my sex versus my gender. I hate that the idea plagues my every relationship, like I feel like in the back of everyone's minds they're trying to reconcile it and I hate the idea that they might not be able to. I don't want that to be an aspect of my relationship, and I can't wait until it's not anymore. I feel awful about it, that it is such a pervasive attribute of our lives, and I wish I could change it, but I can't. Not yet.
This is one of those moments where I wish I could be absolutely everything for her, everything she wants and needs but that's just not possible. I'm terrified that if this gets much worse, if I don't start this transition - the physical one, where I stop looking and feeling physically like a girl - I'm going to lose her. I know she loves me for who I am, but I also know this is hard on her, to be looked at like something she's not or to feel like she's not touching the person she's in love with, instead some stranger who has his eyes and his face and his voice but not his body. It has to be an unsettling, awful sort of feeling. I know it's hard, and I wish I could take it away from her.
I would give anything to change this, to be who I am inside my head instead of what and who people perceive - I don't know the person others see, because 'she's been dead to me for a long time and I don't even remember what 'she's like at all. I haven't been 'her' for so long that I can't even reconcile what other people see me as, strangers who perceive me as a girl. That's not who I am and not who I've been for years. I know myself, but I don't know who they see.
This is the time where I wish magic was real the most, because I could just cast a couple spells and be completely transitioned without spending a ton of money and a ton of time waiting for people to decide what I already know in my heart. I wish this was faster and I wish I had more money so I could get this done quicker, so she stops feeling even a fraction of what I feel every single day. I don't wish that on anyone, let alone the person I love most in the entire world.
There I go with my 'I wish' thing again. Maybe I think if I wish hard enough, it'll happen. It's happened before. Just gotta have faith and work through this. I know who and what I am, and I'm not gonna let anyone make me doubt it.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Out 201: coming out to my mother
So, a few days ago, I came out as trans to my mother. It was the single most terrifying experience of my life; I didn't want to do it, but I knew I had to. It was the first step in the road to transition. It was stopping me.
The first thing she said to me was: "you don't act like a boy." If I don't act like a guy, then what the hell do I act like? I don't act like a girl, I haven't for a very long time, that much is obvious. That's the question I should have asked her, but it stung too much and I just kind of looked away from her. There are a lot of men, who are unquestioningly male, who don't act like your stereotypical guy - Kurt Hummel of Glee being the one that comes to mind first. Sure, he's gay, but he's still a male, as am I. Then, she was able to bring herself to the point of 'whatever makes you happy.'
Later on as we talked about it, she told me that I'd talked about being trans before, probably in an informal sense. It's true that I've talked about wanting to be a boy to her, but I don't think she took me seriously because she probably figured that I didn't take it seriously either, but looking back I definitely did.
Continuing on, she said I would 'always be that little blonde girl in skirts who loved pink.' That stung just like every single other comment like that she'd ever made. I definitely feel like she was trying to convince me that I was still a girl, but that really didn't work in her favor. It never will. She also said she could never think of me as a son because I'm her 'daughter', which hurt too. But I thought at that point that maybe she'd be able to come to terms with it, because she said 'give me time'. I was fine with that.
The next morning she sent me a text that said, 'After our talk yesterday, I feel hurt and brokenhearted. I have been crying most of the time. If you change yourself so completely, it feels like Cindy my daughter has ceased to exist and the last 24 years I have been living a lie. I saw a little girl with blond hair last night and could not stop crying. My heart hurts. It is like you died. I understand you wanting breast reduction but not the name change. Honestly you were born a girl, have never acted like a man. I think you may need professional help to understand who you are and not do anything rash. You will always be our daughter. I can barely walk down the hall, cannot look at the pictures. I love you so much but it hurts so much right now. I do not mind you being gay but this is too much.'
I still don't know what to make of it. It hurts. A lot. I hope someday she'll understand. I told her that I'm going to be going to therapy for this and I can only transition if I'm diagnosed with GID, but that I know who and what I am. I wish she'd try and understand my point of view, but maybe she just needs time.
The first thing she said to me was: "you don't act like a boy." If I don't act like a guy, then what the hell do I act like? I don't act like a girl, I haven't for a very long time, that much is obvious. That's the question I should have asked her, but it stung too much and I just kind of looked away from her. There are a lot of men, who are unquestioningly male, who don't act like your stereotypical guy - Kurt Hummel of Glee being the one that comes to mind first. Sure, he's gay, but he's still a male, as am I. Then, she was able to bring herself to the point of 'whatever makes you happy.'
Later on as we talked about it, she told me that I'd talked about being trans before, probably in an informal sense. It's true that I've talked about wanting to be a boy to her, but I don't think she took me seriously because she probably figured that I didn't take it seriously either, but looking back I definitely did.
Continuing on, she said I would 'always be that little blonde girl in skirts who loved pink.' That stung just like every single other comment like that she'd ever made. I definitely feel like she was trying to convince me that I was still a girl, but that really didn't work in her favor. It never will. She also said she could never think of me as a son because I'm her 'daughter', which hurt too. But I thought at that point that maybe she'd be able to come to terms with it, because she said 'give me time'. I was fine with that.
The next morning she sent me a text that said, 'After our talk yesterday, I feel hurt and brokenhearted. I have been crying most of the time. If you change yourself so completely, it feels like Cindy my daughter has ceased to exist and the last 24 years I have been living a lie. I saw a little girl with blond hair last night and could not stop crying. My heart hurts. It is like you died. I understand you wanting breast reduction but not the name change. Honestly you were born a girl, have never acted like a man. I think you may need professional help to understand who you are and not do anything rash. You will always be our daughter. I can barely walk down the hall, cannot look at the pictures. I love you so much but it hurts so much right now. I do not mind you being gay but this is too much.'
I still don't know what to make of it. It hurts. A lot. I hope someday she'll understand. I told her that I'm going to be going to therapy for this and I can only transition if I'm diagnosed with GID, but that I know who and what I am. I wish she'd try and understand my point of view, but maybe she just needs time.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Dysphoria 201: intimacy
Dysphoria is probably the worst during intimacy, because my mind is in one place and obviously my body is in a completely different place: reality. I hate the dichotomy that comes with it, and normally I don't focus on myself so it's not so bad, but it really comes into clear focus when I'm touched; it's obvious that what should be there isn't and what shouldn't be there so very clearly is. It just makes me want to turn my skin inside out, and it just makes me want to crawl into a hole and hide forever so no one has to see what I am, who I'm not and who I am, even though I know my physical body isn't what or who I am, it's an unfortunate genetic side-effect that I plan to fix, but I just wish I didn't have to. I wish I didn't have to go through all of this and I could just be everything I want to be without having to go through this transition. I know the 'I wish' thing doesn't go very far, but I can't help but say it, y'know?
I've had this issue for a while, honestly it's been so much worse than it is at this point, but that's because the partner I was with when I first came out didn't think of me fully as male, she fell in love with me as a female and I'm pretty sure she never quite let that go, which is part of what drove us apart. She never treated me as fully male, no matter how much she claimed to. I never felt completely masculine with her - she was too demanding and domineering for that. She loved the control.
Anyway, I digress. Right now, I think dysphoria-wise my head is in a good place, it doesn't bother me unless I'm touched as a female or I look in a mirror for too long and stare at my biological body, but I know sometimes the people in my life experience their own kind of dysphoria. Like what they see and what they touch are two completely different things. I just want to be able to bridge that gap and be able to show people the person I know I am under all of this. I want to be confident in who I am, because I know confidence is sexy. I want to be everything I can for my partner.
I want to be touched like a guy without thinking about whether or not the person touching me is thinking of me like that or if they're kind of thinking of me as this extremely butch girl who's 'pretending' - yeah, I've gotten that a lot, from a lot of people, before I even disclose to them my gender expression. It's like, people can't keep an open mind to things they just don't understand, and it's sad how closed-minded the general population can be. Because of that, discretion seems to be the name of the game.
I hate this.
I've had this issue for a while, honestly it's been so much worse than it is at this point, but that's because the partner I was with when I first came out didn't think of me fully as male, she fell in love with me as a female and I'm pretty sure she never quite let that go, which is part of what drove us apart. She never treated me as fully male, no matter how much she claimed to. I never felt completely masculine with her - she was too demanding and domineering for that. She loved the control.
Anyway, I digress. Right now, I think dysphoria-wise my head is in a good place, it doesn't bother me unless I'm touched as a female or I look in a mirror for too long and stare at my biological body, but I know sometimes the people in my life experience their own kind of dysphoria. Like what they see and what they touch are two completely different things. I just want to be able to bridge that gap and be able to show people the person I know I am under all of this. I want to be confident in who I am, because I know confidence is sexy. I want to be everything I can for my partner.
I want to be touched like a guy without thinking about whether or not the person touching me is thinking of me like that or if they're kind of thinking of me as this extremely butch girl who's 'pretending' - yeah, I've gotten that a lot, from a lot of people, before I even disclose to them my gender expression. It's like, people can't keep an open mind to things they just don't understand, and it's sad how closed-minded the general population can be. Because of that, discretion seems to be the name of the game.
I hate this.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Mending Fences 201: the shock
So, I've been talking to my ex about this divorce thing, and in doing so I found out something very interesting. I couldn't do anything but laugh at first when I saw what he'd told me, even though honestly it makes complete sense thinking back. Maybe he was dealing with the same things I was, the dynamic being something completely different than what either of us really wanted it to be.
My ex-husband is also transgender, an MtF. And he's been going to counseling for it for over a year now.
Whoa.
This is, on one hand, a complete shock, but at the same time I'm not surprised at all. I can't process it. He - rather, I don't know if I should call him he or she because he hasn't changed his name to something feminine and he hasn't told me whether or not he's serious about actually transitioning to the other gender and I don't want to be disrespectful; I'm kinda stuck in a quandary there - seems like a changed person, like he's really cleaned up his act and he's gotten over a lot of things that caused so many problems in our relationship.
We're actually being civil right now, and it's almost shocking to me how civil we're being. It's almost to the point where we're almost sounding like friends again. I don't want to be his friend or anything close to that, I don't want to be around him for long periods of time - I don't think I could, honestly, because he still triggers me so much - but it's nice to know that we can exchange civilities together without the violent ghosts of the past haunting us throughout every single word we exchange.
Maybe this is what we both need.
My ex-husband is also transgender, an MtF. And he's been going to counseling for it for over a year now.
Whoa.
This is, on one hand, a complete shock, but at the same time I'm not surprised at all. I can't process it. He - rather, I don't know if I should call him he or she because he hasn't changed his name to something feminine and he hasn't told me whether or not he's serious about actually transitioning to the other gender and I don't want to be disrespectful; I'm kinda stuck in a quandary there - seems like a changed person, like he's really cleaned up his act and he's gotten over a lot of things that caused so many problems in our relationship.
We're actually being civil right now, and it's almost shocking to me how civil we're being. It's almost to the point where we're almost sounding like friends again. I don't want to be his friend or anything close to that, I don't want to be around him for long periods of time - I don't think I could, honestly, because he still triggers me so much - but it's nice to know that we can exchange civilities together without the violent ghosts of the past haunting us throughout every single word we exchange.
Maybe this is what we both need.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Out 101
Here's the thing that I think is holding me back the most and doing the worst damage on my mental health: I'm not out as trans at work so people call me a she all the time, use her to refer to me, and I'm too nervous to just bite the bullet and just tell them who I am and why they're saying it wrong.
This is a problem I've had since the beginning: I don't know, rather I'm not comfortable with correcting people, especially about something as controversial as this. How do you tell someone 'hey I look like a girl and my gender marker on everything is female but yknow I'm really a guy so could you not call me a lady? Thanks.' I'm not quite ballsy enough to do that!
Also, most of the people I work with are Spanish, Mexican, Indian or some other foreign nationality. It is so hard to explain this, my situation, to someone whose native tongue is not English. It's an abstract concept, unfortunately. Hell, I work with a guy who doesn't speak English at all! He's difficult for me to work with because I don't know his language and he doesn't know mine.
As scared as I am to come out at work, I'm even more scared to come out at home, my parents' home that is. I'm out at my own home, the apartment I share with my partner, since she is my biggest motivator. At home is a different story. I'm my mother's "little girl" and she never fails to let me know it. I think she knows about my gender issues and is in such deep denial that she tries to convince not only herself, but me as well that I am indeed that little girl still. I understand where she's coming from, but that doesn't mean it doesn't sting when she says it or does things to drive the nail in, so to speak. I wish she'd accept it, and maybe she will once I actually talk to her about it and explain it.
My best friends and 90% of my exes know about my gender identity and most of them know I'm in transition right now, but other than that it's kind of something I've kept to myself and a few close friends. I'm scared of coming out but I think I'm finally ready to.
Soon.
This is a problem I've had since the beginning: I don't know, rather I'm not comfortable with correcting people, especially about something as controversial as this. How do you tell someone 'hey I look like a girl and my gender marker on everything is female but yknow I'm really a guy so could you not call me a lady? Thanks.' I'm not quite ballsy enough to do that!
Also, most of the people I work with are Spanish, Mexican, Indian or some other foreign nationality. It is so hard to explain this, my situation, to someone whose native tongue is not English. It's an abstract concept, unfortunately. Hell, I work with a guy who doesn't speak English at all! He's difficult for me to work with because I don't know his language and he doesn't know mine.
As scared as I am to come out at work, I'm even more scared to come out at home, my parents' home that is. I'm out at my own home, the apartment I share with my partner, since she is my biggest motivator. At home is a different story. I'm my mother's "little girl" and she never fails to let me know it. I think she knows about my gender issues and is in such deep denial that she tries to convince not only herself, but me as well that I am indeed that little girl still. I understand where she's coming from, but that doesn't mean it doesn't sting when she says it or does things to drive the nail in, so to speak. I wish she'd accept it, and maybe she will once I actually talk to her about it and explain it.
My best friends and 90% of my exes know about my gender identity and most of them know I'm in transition right now, but other than that it's kind of something I've kept to myself and a few close friends. I'm scared of coming out but I think I'm finally ready to.
Soon.
Ramblings 101: the stage, metaphorically
Forgive me for this one, I'm probably not going to be doing this very often, but this is a candid blog so I'm just going to write about whatever comes to mind. It's going to be cryptic, I know that already, and it's not just about one thing or another. It's just random musings of a slightly insane mind, as always. Maybe I should turn this into a book. Anyway.
Ever feel like you're on a completely different page than the person you love? Maybe not even someone you love, but maybe someone you work with or your family, like you're reading out of completely different scripts but to the same play, like you don't know exactly where you're supposed to fit into the play? Maybe it's even in a different language that you can't understand. Ever felt like the other players obviously know exactly where they belong while you're shuffled into the background, unmentioned?
Have you ever felt like a dirty little secret? Have you ever had to hide how you feel, what you think because it's too hard to explain yourself or someone else to people? Have you been afraid to touch someone, to say something to someone, because you think it's going to be construed wrong, like you're going to be looked at like some kind of freak for who you are and what you say, or what you do? Have you ever been afraid to do something, to maybe change the script a little, because you're unsure of how it's going to be taken? Have you ever been so afraid of someone leaving that you feel paralyzed by it?
I'm so tired of being in the background, just settling for an extras role when I want something with a bit more face time, a bit more of the spotlight. I'm sick of being afraid to take the stage. I'm tired of the anxiety that comes with speaking up, and I want to get rid of it before I stay an extras role forever. I want to be the main role in the romantic comedies that sweeps the girl off her feet and swears up and down to cherish, protect and love her forever. I am that guy, but people don't seem to see me as him. I want to be the guy that she can be proud of, proud enough to say that she's my girl without having to put a disclaimer there or have to hide even in the smallest degree. I want to face my fears, get my life back and make it my own again, not ruled by anxiety.
I can't wait until I transition completely so I can stop hiding.
Ever feel like you're on a completely different page than the person you love? Maybe not even someone you love, but maybe someone you work with or your family, like you're reading out of completely different scripts but to the same play, like you don't know exactly where you're supposed to fit into the play? Maybe it's even in a different language that you can't understand. Ever felt like the other players obviously know exactly where they belong while you're shuffled into the background, unmentioned?
Have you ever felt like a dirty little secret? Have you ever had to hide how you feel, what you think because it's too hard to explain yourself or someone else to people? Have you been afraid to touch someone, to say something to someone, because you think it's going to be construed wrong, like you're going to be looked at like some kind of freak for who you are and what you say, or what you do? Have you ever been afraid to do something, to maybe change the script a little, because you're unsure of how it's going to be taken? Have you ever been so afraid of someone leaving that you feel paralyzed by it?
I'm so tired of being in the background, just settling for an extras role when I want something with a bit more face time, a bit more of the spotlight. I'm sick of being afraid to take the stage. I'm tired of the anxiety that comes with speaking up, and I want to get rid of it before I stay an extras role forever. I want to be the main role in the romantic comedies that sweeps the girl off her feet and swears up and down to cherish, protect and love her forever. I am that guy, but people don't seem to see me as him. I want to be the guy that she can be proud of, proud enough to say that she's my girl without having to put a disclaimer there or have to hide even in the smallest degree. I want to face my fears, get my life back and make it my own again, not ruled by anxiety.
I can't wait until I transition completely so I can stop hiding.
Mending Fences 101: The letter to the ex
I'm so incredibly nervous right now. The first step in my transition is to get rid of the marriage that locks me in as a female which is something I'd like to remedy as fast as possible, as gay marriage is illegal in my home state and the one whom I'm married to only in words and in tax brackets is also male, funnily enough a now-gay male. Funny side-note: most of the people I've dated have either been straight females or ended up being gay males in the end, which brings me to the conclusion that I'm right.
So, I don't have the guy's number, the number he used to have is now my sister-in-law's number, so I found him on Facebook on a whim. This is funny considering most of our interactions over the last six or seven years have been either over Myspace (I know, that dates me) or through his best friend on Facebook. I'm just glad I was able to find him on Facebook so I could send this to him myself. Even though I'm literally terrified of sending this to him, because I don't know how he's going to react, I know I need to.
Hey,
So it's been a long time since we've actually talked - what is it, six years, almost seven? Something like that. And in those years, everything has changed in so many dramatic ways, except for one important thing: I don't know if we're still married or not. I'm going to assume yes, because I never signed anything and you never sent me anything, nor did I ever have the money to file anything myself yet; it's just safer to assume that. The last time I tried to get this resolved, (*his best friend) said to me that you'd already filed and just needed me to sign something, so I asked him/you to send the papers to (*where I was living at the time) so I could sign them and send them back. Needless to say, I never got the papers and I don't know what's going on, and as of right now I'm confused so I decided to try and find you myself to try and set the story straight. If you just need something signed for this, I'm gonna be in the area next week sometime so if that's the case just keep me informed and we can get this finalized. All I know is that I need this to be resolved as soon as possible; I need this divorce finalized. I'm sure you've moved on in your life, and you don't want a marriage that failed so dismally still holding you back from moving on, right? So why are we dancing around this? Let me know what's going on, I'd appreciate it.
-Joey
I'll keep you updated as to how he responds.
EDIT: I can't describe what I'm feeling right now. All he said was 'Give me a call' and gave me his number. Ironic considering what I just posted about the phone, especially when it comes to him. I'm not calling him right now. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe.
So, I don't have the guy's number, the number he used to have is now my sister-in-law's number, so I found him on Facebook on a whim. This is funny considering most of our interactions over the last six or seven years have been either over Myspace (I know, that dates me) or through his best friend on Facebook. I'm just glad I was able to find him on Facebook so I could send this to him myself. Even though I'm literally terrified of sending this to him, because I don't know how he's going to react, I know I need to.
Hey,
So it's been a long time since we've actually talked - what is it, six years, almost seven? Something like that. And in those years, everything has changed in so many dramatic ways, except for one important thing: I don't know if we're still married or not. I'm going to assume yes, because I never signed anything and you never sent me anything, nor did I ever have the money to file anything myself yet; it's just safer to assume that. The last time I tried to get this resolved, (*his best friend) said to me that you'd already filed and just needed me to sign something, so I asked him/you to send the papers to (*where I was living at the time) so I could sign them and send them back. Needless to say, I never got the papers and I don't know what's going on, and as of right now I'm confused so I decided to try and find you myself to try and set the story straight. If you just need something signed for this, I'm gonna be in the area next week sometime so if that's the case just keep me informed and we can get this finalized. All I know is that I need this to be resolved as soon as possible; I need this divorce finalized. I'm sure you've moved on in your life, and you don't want a marriage that failed so dismally still holding you back from moving on, right? So why are we dancing around this? Let me know what's going on, I'd appreciate it.
-Joey
I'll keep you updated as to how he responds.
EDIT: I can't describe what I'm feeling right now. All he said was 'Give me a call' and gave me his number. Ironic considering what I just posted about the phone, especially when it comes to him. I'm not calling him right now. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe.
Fear and Anxiety 101: the phone
Okay so the thing is that I've got horrible anxiety when it comes to talking on the phone. I've kind of always had it but I've never understood why. I mean, it was just calling and talking to people, right? So what if normally it was completely random strangers who are silently judging you based on how you sound.
Well, there was/is my issue right there. My voice sounds incredibly feminine, at least to me. My girl says that it's mostly in my head and I sound much more androgynous than I seem to think, but in my head I sound like a chipmunk, that's how girly I sound. I might do a video at some point, just as reference for whenever I get onto T. I was hesitant the first time she wanted to call me because I'd just told her that I was trans, but she made me feel so comfortable that after a few moment into the conversation, I completely forgot about it and talked naturally. With other people, it's not so easy.
I find it so hard to call doctor's offices, and especially calling in for pizza. With pizza, it's because there are so many different things to remember, in order, and I have this tendency to fumble my words and stumble over them. I don't like being perceived as stupid or as an idiot or anything even remotely like that, an when I talk on the phone, I feel like one.
I've been getting better at it, like calling my boss is pretty easy now, and I can pick up the phone without such a huge spike of anxiety. I used to do anything I possibly could to avoid talking to people on the phone, even if that meant ignoring that the call was being placed in the first place. I've gotten better at that, and at calling people I know, but when it comes to talking and initiating phone calls with doctors and such, it's still terrifying. I'm working through it slowly, trying not to think so much about everything and just go for it.
Now, I'm gonna go try and call an endocrinologist about informed consent. I'll let you know how it goes.
EDIT: So I called the doctor's office successfully (cue the ooh's and aah's and yay's) but the doctor is on vacation and the receptionist didn't know anything, so I left him my name and number for when he asks the doctor about it on Monday. Hoping for good news!
Well, there was/is my issue right there. My voice sounds incredibly feminine, at least to me. My girl says that it's mostly in my head and I sound much more androgynous than I seem to think, but in my head I sound like a chipmunk, that's how girly I sound. I might do a video at some point, just as reference for whenever I get onto T. I was hesitant the first time she wanted to call me because I'd just told her that I was trans, but she made me feel so comfortable that after a few moment into the conversation, I completely forgot about it and talked naturally. With other people, it's not so easy.
I find it so hard to call doctor's offices, and especially calling in for pizza. With pizza, it's because there are so many different things to remember, in order, and I have this tendency to fumble my words and stumble over them. I don't like being perceived as stupid or as an idiot or anything even remotely like that, an when I talk on the phone, I feel like one.
I've been getting better at it, like calling my boss is pretty easy now, and I can pick up the phone without such a huge spike of anxiety. I used to do anything I possibly could to avoid talking to people on the phone, even if that meant ignoring that the call was being placed in the first place. I've gotten better at that, and at calling people I know, but when it comes to talking and initiating phone calls with doctors and such, it's still terrifying. I'm working through it slowly, trying not to think so much about everything and just go for it.
Now, I'm gonna go try and call an endocrinologist about informed consent. I'll let you know how it goes.
EDIT: So I called the doctor's office successfully (cue the ooh's and aah's and yay's) but the doctor is on vacation and the receptionist didn't know anything, so I left him my name and number for when he asks the doctor about it on Monday. Hoping for good news!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Before and After 101: prior to hormones
Dysphoria 101
I am not currently on hormones, nor have I undergone any kind of surgery, so my dysphoria seems to get worse with each passing day. When I look in the mirror, I don't even know what I see anymore. Some days, I see a guy looking back, and others, I just see this weird monster who's trying to be something it's not. I try to keep my chin up, but it's hard.
I haven't come out to my family about this yet. It straight up scares the hell out of me. My mother has taken to trying to overly feminize me, pointing out little feminine things I used to do in my childhood. My girlfriend says she's in denial and once I explain to her, she'll understand and stop, and I can only hope she's right, but at the same time I'm still terrified. I'm tempted to link her this page so she can read and understand better who I am and how I've been feeling.
People perceive me as female without a question and it makes me feel sick every time. They call me 'ma'am' at restaurants. When I'm with my girl, they call us ladies. They call my girlfriend a lesbian when she's nothing of the sort - she's completely straight and I feel awful every time she gets those judging looks just by being with me. I cringe when someone refers to me as 'she', especially at work. I don't act like a girl, I don't really look like much of one either. I have a soft face and a feminine body, but that's where it ends.
I hate my body. My measurements as far as I know are 40-34-36. I wish it was just 34-36 all around but my chest, in women's sizes, equals that of a DD. Not exactly the easiest thing in the world to bind. I'm working on getting rid of it - I have a consultation on July 19th - but it can't be gone soon enough. My hips also suck - they're wide, curvy, pretty much every woman's dream. Well, someone else can have them because I don't want them.
Needless to say, I have a lot of work to do, but I can do this.
I haven't come out to my family about this yet. It straight up scares the hell out of me. My mother has taken to trying to overly feminize me, pointing out little feminine things I used to do in my childhood. My girlfriend says she's in denial and once I explain to her, she'll understand and stop, and I can only hope she's right, but at the same time I'm still terrified. I'm tempted to link her this page so she can read and understand better who I am and how I've been feeling.
People perceive me as female without a question and it makes me feel sick every time. They call me 'ma'am' at restaurants. When I'm with my girl, they call us ladies. They call my girlfriend a lesbian when she's nothing of the sort - she's completely straight and I feel awful every time she gets those judging looks just by being with me. I cringe when someone refers to me as 'she', especially at work. I don't act like a girl, I don't really look like much of one either. I have a soft face and a feminine body, but that's where it ends.
I hate my body. My measurements as far as I know are 40-34-36. I wish it was just 34-36 all around but my chest, in women's sizes, equals that of a DD. Not exactly the easiest thing in the world to bind. I'm working on getting rid of it - I have a consultation on July 19th - but it can't be gone soon enough. My hips also suck - they're wide, curvy, pretty much every woman's dream. Well, someone else can have them because I don't want them.
Needless to say, I have a lot of work to do, but I can do this.
Relationships 101
My biggest supporter over the past year or so has been my partner, but she's not only that, she's my girlfriend and most importantly, she's my best friend in the entire world. If it wasn't for her, you wouldn't be reading this right now. So a big thank-you to her for that. Baby, you're a lifesaver in so many ways. She's my conscience, my inspiration, and most of all, my motivator. She pushes me to be better, for myself and for her because she deserves the best. She's the one that made me realize that I've been settling for mediocre most of my life, and I've decided that no more. I'm going to go after what I want.
Going back in time, in every single relationship I've been in except my current one, I've been treated like a girl. Maybe that contributed to the downfall of every single relationship, maybe it didn't. That's something I'll probably never know for sure.
My first real relationship was also my first foray into the LGBT world. My first partner was a girl - I used to think that was the confusing time in my life, trying to get my head around the fact that my first relationship was a girl. Not so. Looking back, it was the most natural thing in the world for me.
After dating girls for a while - the above mentioned one didn't work for a lot of reasons - I tried dating guys. The first was a dismal failure and it turned me into an angsty mess of teenage emotion. Six months after that, I tried dating girls gain - my first girlfriend's sister, oops - but I don't like having to hide my relationship and she wouldn't tell her mother about us because 'other than me' she was completely straight, so that one failed too. Then, I made the single biggest mistake of my life: I got married.
I know why I did it - so my parents would accept me - but in the end, all it did was make me miserable and honestly, it still is making me miserable because I haven't been able to afford a divorce and he left with a ton of debt on my hands. He was violent, belligerent, ignorant and I hate him. I dated another girl but she was almost as bad, if not worse.
The last girl I mentioned was the first girl I came out to, but I always kind of felt like she never saw me as a guy. Even after I told her and started switching pronouns at work, she kept treating me like some submissive little girl who in the end would do whatever she wanted me to. That's never been my personality but she is very manipulative and that's what she had me as for a while.
I met my current girlfriend a year ago and everything changed. I think she's the only one who really sees me for who I am, who I want to be. She and my two best friends are my biggest supporters, but mainly her.
Going back in time, in every single relationship I've been in except my current one, I've been treated like a girl. Maybe that contributed to the downfall of every single relationship, maybe it didn't. That's something I'll probably never know for sure.
My first real relationship was also my first foray into the LGBT world. My first partner was a girl - I used to think that was the confusing time in my life, trying to get my head around the fact that my first relationship was a girl. Not so. Looking back, it was the most natural thing in the world for me.
After dating girls for a while - the above mentioned one didn't work for a lot of reasons - I tried dating guys. The first was a dismal failure and it turned me into an angsty mess of teenage emotion. Six months after that, I tried dating girls gain - my first girlfriend's sister, oops - but I don't like having to hide my relationship and she wouldn't tell her mother about us because 'other than me' she was completely straight, so that one failed too. Then, I made the single biggest mistake of my life: I got married.
I know why I did it - so my parents would accept me - but in the end, all it did was make me miserable and honestly, it still is making me miserable because I haven't been able to afford a divorce and he left with a ton of debt on my hands. He was violent, belligerent, ignorant and I hate him. I dated another girl but she was almost as bad, if not worse.
The last girl I mentioned was the first girl I came out to, but I always kind of felt like she never saw me as a guy. Even after I told her and started switching pronouns at work, she kept treating me like some submissive little girl who in the end would do whatever she wanted me to. That's never been my personality but she is very manipulative and that's what she had me as for a while.
I met my current girlfriend a year ago and everything changed. I think she's the only one who really sees me for who I am, who I want to be. She and my two best friends are my biggest supporters, but mainly her.
Carpe diem: seize the day, also known as an introduction
Introduction
Hey there, my name's Joseph James Hook, normally going by Joey. I've been going by Joey for about six or seven years now. I am a transgender man, born Cynthia Josephine, nicknamed Cindy. I always hated that nickname and I was never quite sure why, also not sure why I kept it and used it for sixteen years. In between the two, I went by Josie. I am a 24 years old author, and I'm just beginning my physical transition, though I've been out, in limited quantities, for about three years now. I've known concretely what I am and what I'm not for about that long, but somewhere, I always kind of knew, that the body I was born into just wasn't quite right for me; it never quite fit.
To me, a body should fit a person like a glove. Body image is so important - you can't really get anywhere in life if you don't love yourself at least to some degree and that's something I've learned the hard way. I've tried ignoring this, tried just settling for what I had and trying to get over it, but it's just gotten worse over the years.
I'm sick of settling for what I was born with, and I want to take people with me on this journey through my transition, this pivotal moment in my life.
This blog is going to be a medium where I can talk about my journey, from the consultations and the surgeries to the more internal, unfortunately everyday things like dysphoria and the utter frustrations that come with it.
Thanks for joining me.
Hey there, my name's Joseph James Hook, normally going by Joey. I've been going by Joey for about six or seven years now. I am a transgender man, born Cynthia Josephine, nicknamed Cindy. I always hated that nickname and I was never quite sure why, also not sure why I kept it and used it for sixteen years. In between the two, I went by Josie. I am a 24 years old author, and I'm just beginning my physical transition, though I've been out, in limited quantities, for about three years now. I've known concretely what I am and what I'm not for about that long, but somewhere, I always kind of knew, that the body I was born into just wasn't quite right for me; it never quite fit.
To me, a body should fit a person like a glove. Body image is so important - you can't really get anywhere in life if you don't love yourself at least to some degree and that's something I've learned the hard way. I've tried ignoring this, tried just settling for what I had and trying to get over it, but it's just gotten worse over the years.
I'm sick of settling for what I was born with, and I want to take people with me on this journey through my transition, this pivotal moment in my life.
This blog is going to be a medium where I can talk about my journey, from the consultations and the surgeries to the more internal, unfortunately everyday things like dysphoria and the utter frustrations that come with it.
Thanks for joining me.
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