Payoff 101: the letter

So after a few months, I finally was able to get some sort of progress going with my transition. I've been having a lot of monetary problems what with being unable to keep a job for one reason or another, but I was able to give Dr. Peveller the money to write my letter for testosterone.

I got it today. It says I have been officially diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder and that I would be a great candidate for Hormone Replacement Therapy. This makes me happier than you can even comprehend, seriously.

Now, I just need to find either an endocrinologist to write a prescription or some other means of procuring the hormone, because I want to get this started as soon as I possibly can. I am so eager to know what kid of changes this will bring about in me.

I feel like this is the beginning of the rest of my life.

Success 101

Today, someone finally gendered me correctly, for the first time. Fuckin' finally. It'll get even better when I start taking hormones and start looking more masculine, but damn, that's a start. Also, a breath of fresh air after being misgendered constantly for weeks and months on end. Small blessing tucked into a whole lot of crap.

I feel accomplished.

Issues of an insensitive trans-man 101

One thing I've always noticed in the transgender community was how sensitive people were to things, which it's understandable, they're going through a lot of shit just like I am, but sometimes it feels so excessive. I've always called people - male, female, my mother - guys just as a casual greeting, but I just went into this chat room called TGchatroom, and I greeted them 'hi guys' like I always do to people. Bad move. Very, very bad move.

They all pretty much jumped on me. I hate going somewhere where I feel like I'm going to be attacked for saying something wrong. That's not a safe environment and makes me feel uneasy.

This is why I don’t generally reach out to the trans* community. Sorry, guys. And girls, since it seems me saying ‘guys’ as a general umbrella statement is offensive. I know that sounds bitter and sarcastic, but that really got under my skin.

The first response was just a gentle 'and girls! =D' which was fine by me, I could work with that. I was going to apologize, but then one girl was like 'I'm not a guy rawr >:(' which is completely understandable, but after a minute it was just feeling more and more like it was less of a gentle nudge of a response and more of an attack, straight-out, as more people chimed in and the mod was like MIND WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, YOUNG MAN. I don't feel safe in those environments, and thus I left before I could explain myself. Maybe it was a childish thing to do, just to run and not explain myself, but I was feeling attacked.

I get where they're coming from completely and I feel like an insensitive ass for it, but at the same time I feel like to attack someone is overkill and it made me feel very uncomfortable. It was like a damn battalion was coming after me or something. I made a mistake, I was going to apologize, but then I got more than one response exactly the same and it wasn't a good way to start a conversation. I got flustered and left.

God, I am so socially awkward. Hah.

Work 101

The worst feeling in the entire world is being called the wrong pronouns even after coming out to someone, telling them you're trans and that you're not a girl. Being called female repeatedly even after explicitly telling at least the team leader that you're not female is frustrating and, frankly, annoying.

What's the point of going through the hell of coming out if they're not even going to respect you telling them that to begin with?

Transgender Frustration 101

I feel like lately I've been defined by being transgender. I just want to be known as a man, not as a transgender man. I just want to go through life with the gender I am and not have to worry about people being like 'oh, you're trans? that's fascinating, tell me more!' I feel like lately it's defined all of my relationships and how I've been feeling lately, like everything I do has to be measured up to something a trans guy would do. I don't want to be measured up to be a trans guy.

I just want to be a guy, be perceived as a guy and be called a guy. I don't want all this extra shit about being transgender. It's not really something I identify with, so to speak. It's not a part of my community, it's not a part of me. It's something I use to explain a biological condition that I have, but it's not a personality trait like it seems to be for some guys. I don't identify as trans, at all.

My therapist right now said something very true. He said he believes that I'm just the kind of person who wants to get on with life and be content with who and what I am. I don't want to settle for 'trans man,' I want to be a man. If that includes all the surgeries, including bottom surgery? So be it, I'll figure something out for the money. I will do whatever I can to be who I know I am under this disgusting female form of mine. I know it'll never be one hundred percent what I want because surgeries and hormones can only go so far, but I've come to terms with that fact even though I hate the idea that there's nothing I can do. I hate feeling trapped and stuck like this.

Honestly, the body I'm in disgusts me. It makes me want to crawl out of my skin more often than not. Looking down and seeing my frame makes me want to scream, and every single day I live like this, the self-hatred gets deeper. That sounds dramatic, I know, but I honestly do hate myself, how I am right now, my body. I feel so trapped and suffocated, thrown to the wolves and told that I have to be called something I'm not until I can afford to change it.

I. want. out. of. this. body.

Coming Out 101

So, I had an interview for a personal assistant today, and I was nervous as hell. I always get nervous when it comes to interviews, because either I have to let them call me a girl or disclose my trans status.

Before today, I'd never disclosed during a job interview, but I didn't like being called 'the girl,' so I took a chance and told them that I was a transgendered man. The guy who was doing the interviews seemed completely fascinated by it. He'd asked before what made me unique and I hadn't mentioned it until after, and he'd asked me why I hadn't suggested me being trans was unique. I told him that it was because I didn't think of myself as 'trans,' I thought of myself as a male despite the fact that I look like a girl. He definitely was surprised, and apologized for getting it wrong.

Let me tell you, it was incredibly freeing to just tell them straight-out like that, just telling people I'm talking to that 'hey, I'm trans.' I'd always been so afraid of the reaction, but since he responded so well, I don't think I'm so afraid anymore.

It's absolutely a weight off my shoulders. I just can't wait until I don't have to and people figure out my gender on their own. This is a good step.

I just hope I get the job.

Discretion 101

My girlfriend is an up-and-coming actress as well as lead singer of an up-and-coming band, her name withheld because she asked me to, and so because of that on top of my trans status, we kind of have to keep our relationship on the down-low. Most of the time, it doesn't really bother me because it's something that she needs and wants me to do, but sometimes it just hits me how much it sucks having to pretend that your girlfriend isn't, in fact, the woman you're madly in love with.

I understand completely, but sometimes it just sucks. It's so hard for me to hide what I feel for her, especially around people I feel comfortable with. I'm almost afraid to become friends with her bandmates and her acting buddies because once I get around them with her, I know myself and I know that I won't be able to restrain myself from being naturally affectionate with her. It's like second nature to me, it has been since I first met her even before we started dating.

Sometimes, these thoughts and the fact that at this point there's nothing I can do to change it - they're enough to make me want to lock myself in a room and never come out because no one seems to see what we see and that's so taxing on the both of us. Other times, it just makes me want to crawl out of my skin or bathe in bleach because I'm so disgusted with myself and the body I was born into. It sucks that there isn't an easier way to explain it that wouldn't meet a wall of confusion and prejudice. I hate that we have to act, have to hide something that I know means so much to the both of us.

Things like this make me wish I had some sort of magic wand or something. It'd make life so much easier, because she said it perfectly: this situation sucks.

Therapy 401: second session

Yesterday, I had my second session with Dr. Peveller. Technically it was kind of our third, but the second one was about fifteen minutes, mostly us talking about money and how in four sessions I should be able to get my letter.

This session was mostly - still - focused on my childhood and when I first started noticing the difference in my gender identity. When I was a kid, I never thought about gender in black and white, I just knew I liked playing with boys' toys and wanted to wear my brother's clothes even though they were too small for me. I did boy things and girl things, mostly because my brother did 'girly' things like ballet with me and I thought that was okay because we were on an even keel.

He also asked how my parents took my gender identity, and how they reacted to me presenting differently. Thankfully, they're very supportive and they never made much of a fuss about me wearing boys' clothing, until they started suspecting my identity, I think. It never really mattered to me, honestly. He seems to put so much stock in childhood gender identity, but I don't really remember it being such a big freaking deal to me. I was who I was and it didn't matter what gender I identified with.

He also made me realize why I get so angry and snap at people - my dysphoria and the anxiety that comes with it suffocates me to the point where I have to let those negative feelings out and unfortunately I let it out the wrong way and end up taking it out on people. I want to try and adjust that so I and the people I love don't have to deal with that anymore. I hate it and I don't want it in my life anymore. Hopefully being in transition - further along than I am now - will help me.

After that, he started asking me about my relationships, like my marriage and why I got married, what the dynamics of our relationship was, etc. I think he realized he'd touched a nerve, because not long after he started asking questions, he said 'Never mind, you are taking the correct route now so things can only improve now.' I thought that was a little strange, but it was okay with me because I was tired of talking about him. I don't like thinking about how volatile of an environment I was in and how much I battled with him for dominance because I had my gender issues underlying everything I said and did.

He asked about my current relationship, and that was a much easier subject to talk about. I basically gushed about my partner and how amazing and supportive she is. Then he asked me about my career, which was kind of a dumb question considering I told him the night before that I had just lost my job. I figured he didn't remember that, though, so I just kind of went with it.

I think he's very lax and unprofessional, but if he helps me get to my ultimate goal of getting my letter for hormones, I am completely fine with that. Sometimes I feel like he can be condescending and like he's only in it for the money instead of for the helping aspect, but I kind of just deal with it. I want this to work out and I want to get to the point where I can get the hormones. He's said I exhibit a lot of signs of transgenderism - he says transsexualism, but I don't like terming it like that because it feels borderline offensive - and that's probably why he agreed to give me the letter so soon.

I just want to take the next step and can't wait. I don't feel as comfortable as I should with this guy but I'm willing to bite the bullet and give him a few more chances to change my mind.

Mom 201

So I haven't been able to talk to my mom much lately, and we haven't really talked in-depth since I came out to her - mostly messages over Facebook and emails and such - but something small but so meaningful happened and I feel like I'm going to cry from happiness. In fact, I kind of might have already..

This is why:



It's amazing how in only a few short weeks my mother has gotten to such a point of acceptance to where she could list that on Facebook, even for a short period of time. I don't know if she's going to keep that up or change it like she did last time with my other Facebook account before I came out to her, but honestly I hope she keeps it that way because that makes me so happy that I can't even put it into words.

I am so grateful. I have the best mom, and best support system, in the world.

Therapy 301

As I've said, I lost my job a few weeks ago and I was stressing over the fact that I still had therapy to do to get my hormones letter. I have to ask my partner to lend me the $200 for the final two sessions and the letter, and I hate asking to borrow money from people - it's both a pride thing because I should be able to cover my own ass, and a thing with fear, because I hate being indebted to people, even people I love and trust with my life because I'm afraid of it going badly. That's caused a bit of friction lately that I hope we can put behind us, but that's beside the point.

I talked to Dr. Peveller last night, and I'm going to be having my second session with him tonight. He had to reschedule last night's appointment for today, and as he said he'd make it up to me, I presented the idea of having only two more sessions before he completes my letter and sends it to me.

The awesome thing is that he agreed. I just hope he holds up his end of the bargain and actually gives me the letter. I'm not worried that it's not legit because I've done research on this guy and as lax as he seems, his letters do seem legitimate and I'll be able to get hormones as soon as I find an endocrinologist who will prescribe it to me. I have a doctor in mind and I'll be calling him when I get my letter.

I did get another job, though. I'm working as a sales rep for a wealth system, so hopefully I'll be making bank and I won't have to worry about paying people back for things. I want to pay back everything I can and finally get this transition completely underway. I hope this job can do that for me; it promises a six-figure income once I'm all trained up and everything, so it should be good. I'm just anxious about it; I'm anxious about being misgendered over the phone because while my voice can be androgynous sometimes, my voice goes up when I'm working customer service. I mean, in the end it doesn't matter, like what are the chances that I'll ever talk to these people again? But I just hate the idea that people are judging me for it.

Bottom line, though? I hate money, and I hate how scared I am about people's perception of me. I need to see someone about that, and I plan to as soon as possible. I just hope the people I love can continue to be patient with me while I work through everything. They've been amazing and flawless so far, and I am so lucky.

Surgery 101: the consultation

I had a consultation for a pre-top-surgery breast reduction today. Needless to say it didn't go very well. In fact, it triggered my dysphoria so badly I was shaking and all I wanted to do was crawl into a little hole and not come out until people could gender me the right way and stop calling me a 'she.' We had to wait around for an hour which left me sitting there without my binder on for about that long, completely exposed and uncomfortable. I hated every second of it and I couldn't have done it without my girlfriend and best friend there.

It's no secret that I hate having my chest touched because it just triggers my dysphoria more than anything else, but the surgeon literally had to measure the size of my chest for observation, and it was the most uncomfortable thing I think I've ever been through. It felt defeating in a way, like going to someone for a breast reduction kind of violated everything I've been saying because only girls go through those. I wish I could just get top surgery but I need a letter from a psychologist that I've been working with for a year before I could get that kind of surgery.

I hate that these people treat me like a girl just because of the procedure I'm going through. Luckily they said I could go down to an A-cup which should be enough for the moment. I hate that it's so expensive though, and I feel guilty that I can't even pay for it at this point because I don't have any money coming in, and I have to ask people to cosign for me because my credit's so bad. I'm just feeling a lot of heaviness and guilt right now, and I wish I knew exactly why. Too many things, I guess.

All I wanted to do was crawl out of my skin. In fact, I still kind of do.

Mom 101

So, I've already blogged about my mom and the reaction she gave when I first came out to her. I was told to give her some time, and it turns out that's exactly what she needed: time to process what I was telling her.

I about cried when I got the last text she sent me at about eight o'clock this morning: 'I am sorry that you are hurting. I hope that you will find happiness and peace. It does not matter what sex you are or changes you choose to make. I will always love you. I am having surgery today. My thoughts will always be with you. I will always be here for you if you need me. Love, Mom.'

I'm not really sure what I did to have such amazing, supportive and loving people in my life, but I did something right along the line. I am so fucking grateful for the people I surround myself with. It doesn't even matter anymore that I just lost my job or that my mind is a little bit on the crazy side at this point.

I can do this.

Therapy 201: the first session

So I had my first session with Dr. Graham Peveller today. It was... interesting. He called me at seven (I'd scheduled it at 10) and asked if I was online, and I explained to him that it was 7 my time and he'd assumed I was on the east coast. So that was a strange start, and we rescheduled it to 9pm my time. He admitted that it was strange to talk on the phone and that he had been apprehensive to call me, but he was glad he did, which was a good sign, I suppose. It was very odd talking to him, mostly because he was very hard to understand.

It started out a bit strange, talking about him traveling to England and rescheduling next week's to Tuesday night, which was fine aside from the fact that I don't know my work schedule. They always wait until literally the last minute - like seven in the morning the day of working - to tell me, so hopefully I'm not closing on August 2nd. I just want to do all eight sessions in two weeks so I can just get this letter and kickstart this.

Anyway, after some miscommunication and a ton of typos, we finally started talking about gender-related stuff. It seemed like he was trying to figure out if I'd known from childhood whether or not I was transgendered or not. For a while there it almost sounded offensive the way he was talking, but that was mostly because he kept using the term transsexual, which these days is borderline offensive.

He asked about my dysphoria in a roundabout way, I guess. He was trying to figure out if I was uncomfortable with not only my sexual orientation, but my body, which of course is my biggest problem. I feel completely trapped in my own body and it's driving me crazy. I tried to convey that to him, and I think I got it across to him because he agreed that it was indeed a marker of transgenderism, or in his words, transsexuality.

He was asking if as a child I gravitated more toward male things than female, which is the case. I mean, yes, I wore dresses and did ballet - mostly because my brother was in it with me - but I also loved getting said dresses dirty and I loved baseball and playing outside. I was on a boys team for baseball for about four years and once I had to switch to softball, I quit after one season because I hated it, and never went back. I think once I started genderizing myself as female, I lost a lot of passion for sports and outdoor activities. I kind of want to start getting back into it.

I'm kind of hoping maybe he can help me through some of my other mental issues aside from dysphoria and gender issues, because God knows I've got enough crazy issues that I need to talk to someone professional about. I almost feel like I should find a different therapist tailored more for anxiety and distorted thought processes, but that's a different story for a completely different time.

I found it a little bit hard to understand what he was saying sometimes and a joke went right over my head, but overall it was fine. I don't feel completely comfortable with him yet, but it's a first session, and he suggested that I check out a book called The Gendered Self. I plan on buying it as soon as possible and writing my own response to it at some point, like a book review or something.

I'm feeling confident, because he said that I could get my letter in eight weeks, starting the process in the sixth week, which is better than his original response of twelve weeks and even longer for the surgery letter. I'm also going to check out Dr. Gary Alter for top surgery - he's in Los Angeles and as far as I can tell, he's gotten some great feedback. I just need to find an endocrinologist who will fill my T prescription when I get my letter.

I think this is a good start.

Therapy 101: before it starts

So I'm doing an online therapy thing with Dr. Graham Peveller. It's relatively cheap, $45 a session, and hopefully I can get him to give me a letter for T within a month, because something needs to change, on the outside and maybe on the inside too.

I'm nervous and excited to be talking to someone other than my partner and this blog about all this. There's been so much going on in my head, so much self-consciousness, so much overthinking, that talking this out with an impartial party would be a good idea. Maybe he can help me figure some things out while trying to diagnose me with something I know I already have.

I'm pretty sure I should be terrified, I've always been scared of therapists because of what they might say about me, or if they're just gonna call me crazy and kick me out as some completely lost cause. But with this, I have to know, I have to go through this so I can begin this transition. I tried, but there's really no way around it. This needs to happen now and I'm confident enough to let it.

Mostly I'm just excited to get this started, though. It's the first step after coming out, and I'm taking it with confidence.

Dysphoria 301: in others

My own dysphoria is pretty bad, and honestly I don't wish it upon anyone. Unfortunately, my gender and my physical sex are so different that it's bound to happen eventually, and probably frequently. More frequently than people admit, I'm going to guess. The thought kind of scares me. I worry about how many people think like that, are at odds with the person they know and the person they see. I wonder how many people try to reconcile the two; I know there are at least two, the two most important people in my life, and there are probably more. Most of the people that know explicitly have never seen me on a daily basis so it's easier for them to think of me as male.

I always go through every movement, every word, every thought that I let come across, wondering if it's too feminine, if it's not like what I'm trying to present, even though I know I don't act like a girl except on very rare occasions and that when that happens, it kills my dysphoria and I stop almost immediately. I have to wonder what other kinds of mannerisms that I do that I don't notice that people take as female-oriented. There's gotta be a reason people take me as a female at face-value. I hope it's just the strict gender roles that have been ingrained, the fact that they'd rather be wrong about gendering me as female than as male, but I wonder if there are things about me that trigger the word 'female' in others' minds. I hate overthinking everything, but it's a fault I have that I'm trying to work on.

It's especially hard for my girlfriend because she's the one that's closest to me, and she's the one that has the most concrete evidence that the two don't mesh. I don't want to act like a girl and throw her off, because I'm not and she knows I'm not. Unfortunately, it's causing some slight issues because she's not a lesbian, she's not even bisexual so it's been hard for her not to think of me the way she normally does when she has that dysphoria triggered inside her head, for whatever reason.

It sucks because I'm the kind of person who wants to spend every waking moment with her without the pressure and lingering thought of my sex versus my gender. I hate that the idea plagues my every relationship, like I feel like in the back of everyone's minds they're trying to reconcile it and I hate the idea that they might not be able to. I don't want that to be an aspect of my relationship, and I can't wait until it's not anymore. I feel awful about it, that it is such a pervasive attribute of our lives, and I wish I could change it, but I can't. Not yet.

This is one of those moments where I wish I could be absolutely everything for her, everything she wants and needs but that's just not possible. I'm terrified that if this gets much worse, if I don't start this transition - the physical one, where I stop looking and feeling physically like a girl - I'm going to lose her. I know she loves me for who I am, but I also know this is hard on her, to be looked at like something she's not or to feel like she's not touching the person she's in love with, instead some stranger who has his eyes and his face and his voice but not his body. It has to be an unsettling, awful sort of feeling. I know it's hard, and I wish I could take it away from her.

I would give anything to change this, to be who I am inside my head instead of what and who people perceive - I don't know the person others see, because 'she's been dead to me for a long time and I don't even remember what 'she's like at all. I haven't been 'her' for so long that I can't even reconcile what other people see me as, strangers who perceive me as a girl. That's not who I am and not who I've been for years. I know myself, but I don't know who they see.

This is the time where I wish magic was real the most, because I could just cast a couple spells and be completely transitioned without spending a ton of money and a ton of time waiting for people to decide what I already know in my heart. I wish this was faster and I wish I had more money so I could get this done quicker, so she stops feeling even a fraction of what I feel every single day. I don't wish that on anyone, let alone the person I love most in the entire world.

There I go with my 'I wish' thing again. Maybe I think if I wish hard enough, it'll happen. It's happened before. Just gotta have faith and work through this. I know who and what I am, and I'm not gonna let anyone make me doubt it.

Out 201: coming out to my mother

So, a few days ago, I came out as trans to my mother. It was the single most terrifying experience of my life; I didn't want to do it, but I knew I had to. It was the first step in the road to transition. It was stopping me.

The first thing she said to me was: "you don't act like a boy." If I don't act like a guy, then what the hell do I act like? I don't act like a girl, I haven't for a very long time, that much is obvious. That's the question I should have asked her, but it stung too much and I just kind of looked away from her. There are a lot of men, who are unquestioningly male, who don't act like your stereotypical guy - Kurt Hummel of Glee being the one that comes to mind first. Sure, he's gay, but he's still a male, as am I. Then, she was able to bring herself to the point of 'whatever makes you happy.'

Later on as we talked about it, she told me that I'd talked about being trans before, probably in an informal sense. It's true that I've talked about wanting to be a boy to her, but I don't think she took me seriously because she probably figured that I didn't take it seriously either, but looking back I definitely did.

Continuing on, she said I would 'always be that little blonde girl in skirts who loved pink.' That stung just like every single other comment like that she'd ever made. I definitely feel like she was trying to convince me that I was still a girl, but that really didn't work in her favor. It never will. She also said she could never think of me as a son because I'm her 'daughter', which hurt too. But I thought at that point that maybe she'd be able to come to terms with it, because she said 'give me time'. I was fine with that.

The next morning she sent me a text that said, 'After our talk yesterday, I feel hurt and brokenhearted. I have been crying most of the time. If you change yourself so completely, it feels like Cindy my daughter has ceased to exist and the last 24 years I have been living a lie. I saw a little girl with blond hair last night and could not stop crying. My heart hurts. It is like you died. I understand you wanting breast reduction but not the name change. Honestly you were born a girl, have never acted like a man. I think you may need professional help to understand who you are and not do anything rash. You will always be our daughter. I can barely walk down the hall, cannot look at the pictures. I love you so much but it hurts so much right now. I do not mind you being gay but this is too much.'

I still don't know what to make of it. It hurts. A lot. I hope someday she'll understand. I told her that I'm going to be going to therapy for this and I can only transition if I'm diagnosed with GID, but that I know who and what I am. I wish she'd try and understand my point of view, but maybe she just needs time.

Dysphoria 201: intimacy

Dysphoria is probably the worst during intimacy, because my mind is in one place and obviously my body is in a completely different place: reality. I hate the dichotomy that comes with it, and normally I don't focus on myself so it's not so bad, but it really comes into clear focus when I'm touched; it's obvious that what should be there isn't and what shouldn't be there so very clearly is. It just makes me want to turn my skin inside out, and it just makes me want to crawl into a hole and hide forever so no one has to see what I am, who I'm not and who I am, even though I know my physical body isn't what or who I am, it's an unfortunate genetic side-effect that I plan to fix, but I just wish I didn't have to. I wish I didn't have to go through all of this and I could just be everything I want to be without having to go through this transition. I know the 'I wish' thing doesn't go very far, but I can't help but say it, y'know?

I've had this issue for a while, honestly it's been so much worse than it is at this point, but that's because the partner I was with when I first came out didn't think of me fully as male, she fell in love with me as a female and I'm pretty sure she never quite let that go, which is part of what drove us apart. She never treated me as fully male, no matter how much she claimed to. I never felt completely masculine with her - she was too demanding and domineering for that. She loved the control.

Anyway, I digress. Right now, I think dysphoria-wise my head is in a good place, it doesn't bother me unless I'm touched as a female or I look in a mirror for too long and stare at my biological body, but I know sometimes the people in my life experience their own kind of dysphoria. Like what they see and what they touch are two completely different things. I just want to be able to bridge that gap and be able to show people the person I know I am under all of this. I want to be confident in who I am, because I know confidence is sexy. I want to be everything I can for my partner.

I want to be touched like a guy without thinking about whether or not the person touching me is thinking of me like that or if they're kind of thinking of me as this extremely butch girl who's 'pretending' - yeah, I've gotten that a lot, from a lot of people, before I even disclose to them my gender expression. It's like, people can't keep an open mind to things they just don't understand, and it's sad how closed-minded the general population can be. Because of that, discretion seems to be the name of the game.

I hate this.

Mending Fences 201: the shock

So, I've been talking to my ex about this divorce thing, and in doing so I found out something very interesting. I couldn't do anything but laugh at first when I saw what he'd told me, even though honestly it makes complete sense thinking back. Maybe he was dealing with the same things I was, the dynamic being something completely different than what either of us really wanted it to be.

My ex-husband is also transgender, an MtF. And he's been going to counseling for it for over a year now.

Whoa.

This is, on one hand, a complete shock, but at the same time I'm not surprised at all. I can't process it. He - rather, I don't know if I should call him he or she because he hasn't changed his name to something feminine and he hasn't told me whether or not he's serious about actually transitioning to the other gender and I don't want to be disrespectful; I'm kinda stuck in a quandary there - seems like a changed person, like he's really cleaned up his act and he's gotten over a lot of things that caused so many problems in our relationship.

We're actually being civil right now, and it's almost shocking to me how civil we're being. It's almost to the point where we're almost sounding like friends again. I don't want to be his friend or anything close to that, I don't want to be around him for long periods of time - I don't think I could, honestly, because he still triggers me so much - but it's nice to know that we can exchange civilities together without the violent ghosts of the past haunting us throughout every single word we exchange.

Maybe this is what we both need.

Out 101

Here's the thing that I think is holding me back the most and doing the worst damage on my mental health: I'm not out as trans at work so people call me a she all the time, use her to refer to me, and I'm too nervous to just bite the bullet and just tell them who I am and why they're saying it wrong.

This is a problem I've had since the beginning: I don't know, rather I'm not comfortable with correcting people, especially about something as controversial as this. How do you tell someone 'hey I look like a girl and my gender marker on everything is female but yknow I'm really a guy so could you not call me a lady? Thanks.' I'm not quite ballsy enough to do that!

Also, most of the people I work with are Spanish, Mexican, Indian or some other foreign nationality. It is so hard to explain this, my situation, to someone whose native tongue is not English. It's an abstract concept, unfortunately. Hell, I work with a guy who doesn't speak English at all! He's difficult for me to work with because I don't know his language and he doesn't know mine.

As scared as I am to come out at work, I'm even more scared to come out at home, my parents' home that is. I'm out at my own home, the apartment I share with my partner, since she is my biggest motivator. At home is a different story. I'm my mother's "little girl" and she never fails to let me know it. I think she knows about my gender issues and is in such deep denial that she tries to convince not only herself, but me as well that I am indeed that little girl still. I understand where she's coming from, but that doesn't mean it doesn't sting when she says it or does things to drive the nail in, so to speak. I wish she'd accept it, and maybe she will once I actually talk to her about it and explain it.

My best friends and 90% of my exes know about my gender identity and most of them know I'm in transition right now, but other than that it's kind of something I've kept to myself and a few close friends. I'm scared of coming out but I think I'm finally ready to.

Soon.

Ramblings 101: the stage, metaphorically

Forgive me for this one, I'm probably not going to be doing this very often, but this is a candid blog so I'm just going to write about whatever comes to mind. It's going to be cryptic, I know that already, and it's not just about one thing or another. It's just random musings of a slightly insane mind, as always. Maybe I should turn this into a book. Anyway.

Ever feel like you're on a completely different page than the person you love? Maybe not even someone you love, but maybe someone you work with or your family, like you're reading out of completely different scripts but to the same play, like you don't know exactly where you're supposed to fit into the play? Maybe it's even in a different language that you can't understand. Ever felt like the other players obviously know exactly where they belong while you're shuffled into the background, unmentioned?

Have you ever felt like a dirty little secret? Have you ever had to hide how you feel, what you think because it's too hard to explain yourself or someone else to people? Have you been afraid to touch someone, to say something to someone, because you think it's going to be construed wrong, like you're going to be looked at like some kind of freak for who you are and what you say, or what you do? Have you ever been afraid to do something, to maybe change the script a little, because you're unsure of how it's going to be taken? Have you ever been so afraid of someone leaving that you feel paralyzed by it?

I'm so tired of being in the background, just settling for an extras role when I want something with a bit more face time, a bit more of the spotlight. I'm sick of being afraid to take the stage. I'm tired of the anxiety that comes with speaking up, and I want to get rid of it before I stay an extras role forever. I want to be the main role in the romantic comedies that sweeps the girl off her feet and swears up and down to cherish, protect and love her forever. I am that guy, but people don't seem to see me as him. I want to be the guy that she can be proud of, proud enough to say that she's my girl without having to put a disclaimer there or have to hide even in the smallest degree. I want to face my fears, get my life back and make it my own again, not ruled by anxiety.

I can't wait until I transition completely so I can stop hiding.