My girlfriend is an up-and-coming actress as well as lead singer of an up-and-coming band, her name withheld because she asked me to, and so because of that on top of my trans status, we kind of have to keep our relationship on the down-low. Most of the time, it doesn't really bother me because it's something that she needs and wants me to do, but sometimes it just hits me how much it sucks having to pretend that your girlfriend isn't, in fact, the woman you're madly in love with.
I understand completely, but sometimes it just sucks. It's so hard for me to hide what I feel for her, especially around people I feel comfortable with. I'm almost afraid to become friends with her bandmates and her acting buddies because once I get around them with her, I know myself and I know that I won't be able to restrain myself from being naturally affectionate with her. It's like second nature to me, it has been since I first met her even before we started dating.
Sometimes, these thoughts and the fact that at this point there's nothing I can do to change it - they're enough to make me want to lock myself in a room and never come out because no one seems to see what we see and that's so taxing on the both of us. Other times, it just makes me want to crawl out of my skin or bathe in bleach because I'm so disgusted with myself and the body I was born into. It sucks that there isn't an easier way to explain it that wouldn't meet a wall of confusion and prejudice. I hate that we have to act, have to hide something that I know means so much to the both of us.
Things like this make me wish I had some sort of magic wand or something. It'd make life so much easier, because she said it perfectly: this situation sucks.
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