I had a consultation for a pre-top-surgery breast reduction today. Needless to say it didn't go very well. In fact, it triggered my dysphoria so badly I was shaking and all I wanted to do was crawl into a little hole and not come out until people could gender me the right way and stop calling me a 'she.' We had to wait around for an hour which left me sitting there without my binder on for about that long, completely exposed and uncomfortable. I hated every second of it and I couldn't have done it without my girlfriend and best friend there.
It's no secret that I hate having my chest touched because it just triggers my dysphoria more than anything else, but the surgeon literally had to measure the size of my chest for observation, and it was the most uncomfortable thing I think I've ever been through. It felt defeating in a way, like going to someone for a breast reduction kind of violated everything I've been saying because only girls go through those. I wish I could just get top surgery but I need a letter from a psychologist that I've been working with for a year before I could get that kind of surgery.
I hate that these people treat me like a girl just because of the procedure I'm going through. Luckily they said I could go down to an A-cup which should be enough for the moment. I hate that it's so expensive though, and I feel guilty that I can't even pay for it at this point because I don't have any money coming in, and I have to ask people to cosign for me because my credit's so bad. I'm just feeling a lot of heaviness and guilt right now, and I wish I knew exactly why. Too many things, I guess.
All I wanted to do was crawl out of my skin. In fact, I still kind of do.
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