Forgive me for this one, I'm probably not going to be doing this very often, but this is a candid blog so I'm just going to write about whatever comes to mind. It's going to be cryptic, I know that already, and it's not just about one thing or another. It's just random musings of a slightly insane mind, as always. Maybe I should turn this into a book. Anyway.
Ever feel like you're on a completely different page than the person you love? Maybe not even someone you love, but maybe someone you work with or your family, like you're reading out of completely different scripts but to the same play, like you don't know exactly where you're supposed to fit into the play? Maybe it's even in a different language that you can't understand. Ever felt like the other players obviously know exactly where they belong while you're shuffled into the background, unmentioned?
Have you ever felt like a dirty little secret? Have you ever had to hide how you feel, what you think because it's too hard to explain yourself or someone else to people? Have you been afraid to touch someone, to say something to someone, because you think it's going to be construed wrong, like you're going to be looked at like some kind of freak for who you are and what you say, or what you do? Have you ever been afraid to do something, to maybe change the script a little, because you're unsure of how it's going to be taken? Have you ever been so afraid of someone leaving that you feel paralyzed by it?
I'm so tired of being in the background, just settling for an extras role when I want something with a bit more face time, a bit more of the spotlight. I'm sick of being afraid to take the stage. I'm tired of the anxiety that comes with speaking up, and I want to get rid of it before I stay an extras role forever. I want to be the main role in the romantic comedies that sweeps the girl off her feet and swears up and down to cherish, protect and love her forever. I am that guy, but people don't seem to see me as him. I want to be the guy that she can be proud of, proud enough to say that she's my girl without having to put a disclaimer there or have to hide even in the smallest degree. I want to face my fears, get my life back and make it my own again, not ruled by anxiety.
I can't wait until I transition completely so I can stop hiding.
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