Dysphoria is probably the worst during intimacy, because my mind is in one place and obviously my body is in a completely different place: reality. I hate the dichotomy that comes with it, and normally I don't focus on myself so it's not so bad, but it really comes into clear focus when I'm touched; it's obvious that what should be there isn't and what shouldn't be there so very clearly is. It just makes me want to turn my skin inside out, and it just makes me want to crawl into a hole and hide forever so no one has to see what I am, who I'm not and who I am, even though I know my physical body isn't what or who I am, it's an unfortunate genetic side-effect that I plan to fix, but I just wish I didn't have to. I wish I didn't have to go through all of this and I could just be everything I want to be without having to go through this transition. I know the 'I wish' thing doesn't go very far, but I can't help but say it, y'know?
I've had this issue for a while, honestly it's been so much worse than it is at this point, but that's because the partner I was with when I first came out didn't think of me fully as male, she fell in love with me as a female and I'm pretty sure she never quite let that go, which is part of what drove us apart. She never treated me as fully male, no matter how much she claimed to. I never felt completely masculine with her - she was too demanding and domineering for that. She loved the control.
Anyway, I digress. Right now, I think dysphoria-wise my head is in a good place, it doesn't bother me unless I'm touched as a female or I look in a mirror for too long and stare at my biological body, but I know sometimes the people in my life experience their own kind of dysphoria. Like what they see and what they touch are two completely different things. I just want to be able to bridge that gap and be able to show people the person I know I am under all of this. I want to be confident in who I am, because I know confidence is sexy. I want to be everything I can for my partner.
I want to be touched like a guy without thinking about whether or not the person touching me is thinking of me like that or if they're kind of thinking of me as this extremely butch girl who's 'pretending' - yeah, I've gotten that a lot, from a lot of people, before I even disclose to them my gender expression. It's like, people can't keep an open mind to things they just don't understand, and it's sad how closed-minded the general population can be. Because of that, discretion seems to be the name of the game.
I hate this.
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