Out 201: coming out to my mother

So, a few days ago, I came out as trans to my mother. It was the single most terrifying experience of my life; I didn't want to do it, but I knew I had to. It was the first step in the road to transition. It was stopping me.

The first thing she said to me was: "you don't act like a boy." If I don't act like a guy, then what the hell do I act like? I don't act like a girl, I haven't for a very long time, that much is obvious. That's the question I should have asked her, but it stung too much and I just kind of looked away from her. There are a lot of men, who are unquestioningly male, who don't act like your stereotypical guy - Kurt Hummel of Glee being the one that comes to mind first. Sure, he's gay, but he's still a male, as am I. Then, she was able to bring herself to the point of 'whatever makes you happy.'

Later on as we talked about it, she told me that I'd talked about being trans before, probably in an informal sense. It's true that I've talked about wanting to be a boy to her, but I don't think she took me seriously because she probably figured that I didn't take it seriously either, but looking back I definitely did.

Continuing on, she said I would 'always be that little blonde girl in skirts who loved pink.' That stung just like every single other comment like that she'd ever made. I definitely feel like she was trying to convince me that I was still a girl, but that really didn't work in her favor. It never will. She also said she could never think of me as a son because I'm her 'daughter', which hurt too. But I thought at that point that maybe she'd be able to come to terms with it, because she said 'give me time'. I was fine with that.

The next morning she sent me a text that said, 'After our talk yesterday, I feel hurt and brokenhearted. I have been crying most of the time. If you change yourself so completely, it feels like Cindy my daughter has ceased to exist and the last 24 years I have been living a lie. I saw a little girl with blond hair last night and could not stop crying. My heart hurts. It is like you died. I understand you wanting breast reduction but not the name change. Honestly you were born a girl, have never acted like a man. I think you may need professional help to understand who you are and not do anything rash. You will always be our daughter. I can barely walk down the hall, cannot look at the pictures. I love you so much but it hurts so much right now. I do not mind you being gay but this is too much.'

I still don't know what to make of it. It hurts. A lot. I hope someday she'll understand. I told her that I'm going to be going to therapy for this and I can only transition if I'm diagnosed with GID, but that I know who and what I am. I wish she'd try and understand my point of view, but maybe she just needs time.