My own dysphoria is pretty bad, and honestly I don't wish it upon anyone. Unfortunately, my gender and my physical sex are so different that it's bound to happen eventually, and probably frequently. More frequently than people admit, I'm going to guess. The thought kind of scares me. I worry about how many people think like that, are at odds with the person they know and the person they see. I wonder how many people try to reconcile the two; I know there are at least two, the two most important people in my life, and there are probably more. Most of the people that know explicitly have never seen me on a daily basis so it's easier for them to think of me as male.
I always go through every movement, every word, every thought that I let come across, wondering if it's too feminine, if it's not like what I'm trying to present, even though I know I don't act like a girl except on very rare occasions and that when that happens, it kills my dysphoria and I stop almost immediately. I have to wonder what other kinds of mannerisms that I do that I don't notice that people take as female-oriented. There's gotta be a reason people take me as a female at face-value. I hope it's just the strict gender roles that have been ingrained, the fact that they'd rather be wrong about gendering me as female than as male, but I wonder if there are things about me that trigger the word 'female' in others' minds. I hate overthinking everything, but it's a fault I have that I'm trying to work on.
It's especially hard for my girlfriend because she's the one that's closest to me, and she's the one that has the most concrete evidence that the two don't mesh. I don't want to act like a girl and throw her off, because I'm not and she knows I'm not. Unfortunately, it's causing some slight issues because she's not a lesbian, she's not even bisexual so it's been hard for her not to think of me the way she normally does when she has that dysphoria triggered inside her head, for whatever reason.
It sucks because I'm the kind of person who wants to spend every waking moment with her without the pressure and lingering thought of my sex versus my gender. I hate that the idea plagues my every relationship, like I feel like in the back of everyone's minds they're trying to reconcile it and I hate the idea that they might not be able to. I don't want that to be an aspect of my relationship, and I can't wait until it's not anymore. I feel awful about it, that it is such a pervasive attribute of our lives, and I wish I could change it, but I can't. Not yet.
This is one of those moments where I wish I could be absolutely everything for her, everything she wants and needs but that's just not possible. I'm terrified that if this gets much worse, if I don't start this transition - the physical one, where I stop looking and feeling physically like a girl - I'm going to lose her. I know she loves me for who I am, but I also know this is hard on her, to be looked at like something she's not or to feel like she's not touching the person she's in love with, instead some stranger who has his eyes and his face and his voice but not his body. It has to be an unsettling, awful sort of feeling. I know it's hard, and I wish I could take it away from her.
I would give anything to change this, to be who I am inside my head instead of what and who people perceive - I don't know the person others see, because 'she's been dead to me for a long time and I don't even remember what 'she's like at all. I haven't been 'her' for so long that I can't even reconcile what other people see me as, strangers who perceive me as a girl. That's not who I am and not who I've been for years. I know myself, but I don't know who they see.
This is the time where I wish magic was real the most, because I could just cast a couple spells and be completely transitioned without spending a ton of money and a ton of time waiting for people to decide what I already know in my heart. I wish this was faster and I wish I had more money so I could get this done quicker, so she stops feeling even a fraction of what I feel every single day. I don't wish that on anyone, let alone the person I love most in the entire world.
There I go with my 'I wish' thing again. Maybe I think if I wish hard enough, it'll happen. It's happened before. Just gotta have faith and work through this. I know who and what I am, and I'm not gonna let anyone make me doubt it.
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