I am not currently on hormones, nor have I undergone any kind of surgery, so my dysphoria seems to get worse with each passing day. When I look in the mirror, I don't even know what I see anymore. Some days, I see a guy looking back, and others, I just see this weird monster who's trying to be something it's not. I try to keep my chin up, but it's hard.
I haven't come out to my family about this yet. It straight up scares the hell out of me. My mother has taken to trying to overly feminize me, pointing out little feminine things I used to do in my childhood. My girlfriend says she's in denial and once I explain to her, she'll understand and stop, and I can only hope she's right, but at the same time I'm still terrified. I'm tempted to link her this page so she can read and understand better who I am and how I've been feeling.
People perceive me as female without a question and it makes me feel sick every time. They call me 'ma'am' at restaurants. When I'm with my girl, they call us ladies. They call my girlfriend a lesbian when she's nothing of the sort - she's completely straight and I feel awful every time she gets those judging looks just by being with me. I cringe when someone refers to me as 'she', especially at work. I don't act like a girl, I don't really look like much of one either. I have a soft face and a feminine body, but that's where it ends.
I hate my body. My measurements as far as I know are 40-34-36. I wish it was just 34-36 all around but my chest, in women's sizes, equals that of a DD. Not exactly the easiest thing in the world to bind. I'm working on getting rid of it - I have a consultation on July 19th - but it can't be gone soon enough. My hips also suck - they're wide, curvy, pretty much every woman's dream. Well, someone else can have them because I don't want them.
Needless to say, I have a lot of work to do, but I can do this.
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